One image from the road

If you can't tell, this is a coin operated cologne dispenser. I took it at a truck stop along the Tennessee/Georgia border. Please note the knob for selecting which cologne can be spritzed, for the distinguishing gentleman buying his cologne from a truck strop restroom.

Today in Unfortunate Names (Part 2)

I was definitely a kid of the 90s. Nickelodeon started it's "Nick Toons" about the time I became aware of television, and for the most part, they were great (I never got into Ren and Stimpy, believe it or not). Anyways, my favorite as a youngster was probably Doug. (I don't know why Doug is $13.99) In 1991, I was 8, so Doug at 11 was just about the coolest kid in the world. And when I hit middle school, I was just as angsty as he was. It was so real!

Anyways what was your favorite Nick Toon? Wisconsin fans, what about you?

Today in unfortunate names (Part 1)

From Friday's Star Tribune was this image (it wasn't available online)

The story is about how the Twins are bad, but still drawing fans, including these four young ladies, who are showing their support for the team with their pink signs (pink being the color of nurse's scrubs at the team's favorite hospital). But who are these young ladies? Alexis, Maddy, Emily and.... I'm sorry, I van't read that last one. Let's zoom in for a closer look.

Ah, yes. Crystal Ball. If only someone would have asked her if Justin Morneau will ever be healthy again.

Scandal comes to Purdue

By now, the word of Miami's impending program implosion has reached your ears. Pretty much every player you have heard of in the past 10 years was implicated in what may end up being the biggest scandal in college sports in the past 30 years. TV bans or even the college sports death penalty are on the table.
As Boiled Sports noted, this could be bad for Purdue's quarterback Robert Marve, who transferred from Miami, was one of the many players named in the report. Still, Purdue didn't do anything to warrant our program getting dragged into it, nor did the school reap benefits from any wrongdoings. To my knowledge, Purdue hasn't seen the benefits of an in house scandal since me and some friends paid Brandon Hance to transfer to USC. Er.. wait. I guess that one isn't out htere yet. Anyways, I just want to put it out there that I am willing to do what it takes for Purdue to put a winner on the field. As an alumnus of Purdue, (though one that lives in Minnesota and one that doesn't make that much money), here are some things I can offer.
- Ten bucks per healthy ACL at seasons end
- A pat on the back to anyone the national media recognizes as a Purdue Athlete that isn't Marve or Robbie Hummel.
- Speaking of Hummel, I'll buy him a haircut.
- When in Minneapolis, I will take anyone who wants to go to Lake Calhoun to the walking trails. It's really pretty, and a good way to relieve stress and relax, even with temperatures cooling off. Limit 3. The 2 door Accord was not built for carpools
- A sympathetic ear, if you want to chat about the stress of college, sports, girls or whatever.
So, come on Purdue, you have one booster: me. Let's get it done.

Mom Jeans have been rebranded

I mentioned this earlier on Twitter (follow us on Twitter), but it's become apparent that Mom Jeans are now trying to rebrand themselves as something called "Pajama Jeans". Seriously, which one of these adds is a joke?

More from Minnesota crime

Let me tell you the story about a man, his name Benjamin Repinski. Mr. Repinski is from Winona and he is a fan of partying and making poor decisions. Recently, Ben (I'm going to call him Ben) went to a part and got drunk. Ben was smart enough to know he wasn't well enough to drive home, so he asked a young lady at the party to give him a ride. On the way home, the young lady confused the gas and brake, drove over a highway signe, through a yard and into a garden. Now would be a good time to mention that the young lady was also drunk. And 12. She was drunk and 12. Ben now realized the folly of his ways and sought to secure a different ride home. Still, he knew he had to get the car out of the garden and hopped in to the drivers seat and right into a shed. The police then arrived and booked Ben and brought his 12 year old friend (that he had been partying with) to the hospital.

The police obviously had questions. One officer was on his way to the hospital to ask the young lady involved a few of them. On the way in, he passed a wobbly moped, whose driver was wearing sunglasses. It was the wee hours of the morning, and the officer thought all this was unusual. Turns out, sunglass moped guy was on his way to pick up Ben. Sunglass moped guy was also drunk.

Let's review what we need to know about Ben Repinski
- Went to a party, picked up a 12 year old.
- Needed a ride home, and his two options were the 12 year old (drunk) and a guy on a moped (also drunk)
- When he tried to drive, he actually did worse than the drunk 12 year old

That, ladies and gentlemen, is Ben Repinski.

Haitians for Brett Favre?...and now Peyton Manning?

So last week Ryan posted a link to a story saying that the Vikings NFC Championship shirts were being shipped to Haiti to help the relief effort. That got me thinking though...knowing that they may be receiving the championship game loser shirts, should the Haitians have been backing Brett Favre and the Vikings?

Just think, the Saints' logo is the fleur-de-lis, a prominent symbol of French culture, and New Orleans is rich in creole culture, much like Haiti, which happens to be a French speaking nation. Both places also had devastating natural disasters hit them in the past 5 years.

Instead, Haiti, a country that is 95% black, gets shirts with a drawing of a blonde white guy on them....a team that plays in Minnesota, which is about as much anti-Haiti as you can get.

So, assuming they don't care about football, and that tomorrow's Super Bowl loser shirts will also be going to Haiti, I'm guessing they will be pulling hard for the Colts...that is, unless they have a thing for blue horse shoes.

I would like to write a song

At work the other night, we were listening to the radio when that song "Fireflies" or whatever by Owl City, who happens to be from Owatonna, just down the road. This guy made a stupid song on his stupid keyboard about insomnia. I could write a song or two as well, I bet. I got some great ideas for an entire album, based solely on my hypoglycemia.

Track 1: Juice. A song about how I need sugar or I am going to pass out.
Track 2: Bread, please. Delves into my need for complex carbohydrates.
Track 3: Vertigo. A song about what it's like to get the spins. Uno! Dos! Tres! Catorce! I need to sit down!
Track 4: Adrenaline. A nice diddy about how my damaged adrenal glands lead to a proclivity for panic attacks.

I was thinking about maybe throwing in a few songs about my other medical maladies on the B side of the album.
Track 5: Astygmatism. A ballad dedicated to my terrible vision.
Track 6: Under Pressure. High blood pressure that is!
Track 7: A man my age should not feel pain like this. A song about heartbreak... after finding out you have arthritis at 21.
Track 8: Out of My Hands. A song about how everything falls out of my grasp. Because I have ridiculously undersized hands. It's a nightmare, really.

Chrysler!

"That's the best they can come up with? Chrysler. Every team in baseball tries to steal signs." - Ron Gardenhire

One weekend left, trying to catch the Tigers, and we're invoking the name of GM. I don't know what kind of omen that is.

I rarely endorse products, but....

Ladies and gentlemen, how many times have you wanted to make delectable meatballs, but simply did not want to spend time cutting up the meat or rolling it into those balls? All the time, I'll bet! I'm sure it's led to you not ever having meatballs, hasn't it? Indeed, that's the one thing that is holding me back from whipping up a batch of meatballs.
GOOD NEWS! With meatball express, you can make 9 meatballs in 9 seconds! All you have to do is flatten your ground beef, then use the Meatball Express to chop and roll up the meatballs. HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG?!
Now, buy one today, then spend the weekend eating all those meatballs you cook up. This is absolutely the best invention in the history of kitchens and cooking! AMAZING!

Wikipedia trusts Steve!

I don't know if you recall, but Steve picked Indians manager to win Manager of the Year in the AL this year. Of course, this is usually the kiss of death. Whenever Steve picks managers of the year, they tend to get fired mid season. (Exhibit A). Anyways, he picked Eric Wedge and Cecil Cooper this year. Both are still employed, surprisingly, but in talking about this with Steve today, we discovered that a Wikipedia editor decided not to waste any time and reach the logical conclusion:



Fired yesterday, apparently. Apologies to Mr. Wedge from all of us at the Times. Apologies from the future, I think.

Doogie Howser's best friend among the top draft prospects

With the NBA Draft lottery last night (the Timberwolves will be picking 6th), it's time to look at some of the prospects. The foreign prospects are the ones you are least likely to know. The top international player is Doogie Howser's childhood friend Vinnie Delpino, who, as he grew older, decided to change his name to Ricky Rubio (like that's a real name anyways) and play basketball.

Pick #168 Oakland Raiders - Megan McLain, SS, U of Buffalo

The Raiders continued to draft players that were off the radar of other teams, drafting Megan McLain, a 5'6 senior out of the University of Buffalo. The Raiders claim she is a strong safety.
"I never even played football before!" the giddy new Raider said, "but when Mr. Davis said that they liked my speed, I was like, OK!"
McLain won the MAC championship this year in the women's 100m dash. When asked how she felt about the position the Raiders were assigning her to, she said, "SS. Is that short stop?"

Doing anything October 14th?

I don't know if you've heard (and why wouldn't you have, it was reported in a newspaper from the Zambia) but the aliens, they are coming to Alabama a week from Wednesday! It was first reported by Blossom Goodchild and Mike Quinsey, both psychos psychics, one in Australia, the other here in the States. Apparently, the Federation of Light will be stopping by to let us know what's up, or, at least that's what their emissary from Sirius (I wonder if he's met the Mad Dog yet) SaLuSa had to say to Quinsey. They will be here, according to Goodchild, to help us move to a higher vibration of love. No word if said vibrations take AA or AAA batteries. In all seriousness, I didn't believe any of this until they started name dropping. SaLuSa? Seriously! This is big news. I just hope it doesn't preempt Criminal Minds or take any attention away from Columbus-San Jose. Should be a big game.

Wade Phillips, Gangster

It used to be that federal agents would show up at Texas Stadium because they heard that there may be cocaine being smuggled through Dallas. Now it's coach Wade Phillips that is dabbling in the illegal activity. Take a look at the evidence.See that hanging out of Phillips' pocket? The back right pocket? It appears as Wade may be a high ranking member of the Bloods. The time spent in southern California the past few years seems to have rubbed off on him. And he has to be high ranking, because check this out:
Jim Zorn (AKA Z Murdah) flew all the way in from DC to pay his respects. He is seen here talking to quarterback Jason Campbell, perhaps about the dangers of Folk Nation. More on this as details warrant.

UCONN changes nickname to "Raccoons"

Hoping to intimidate Tennessee coach Pat Summitt, the University of Connecticut has announced plans to rename their women's basketball team the "Fightin' Raccoons".

Why do you [heart] the Devil?

Someone I went to high school with was down in New Orleans recently, and came across these evangelists on the street and this gigantic sign, posing an interesting question to a few specific groups. Or, the possessions of those particular groups, judging by the apostrophes.
In any event, I wanted to share this picture with the world, and point out some of my favorite devil [heart]ers:
Feminist's
Catholic's (hey! Oh, and nice work going after Catholics in New Orleans)
New Ager's (not even sure what the heck that means)
Democrat's
Environmentalist's (Fitting, since the Pope said that destroying the earth is a mortal sin)
P.K.'s (After doing some research, this might be the Promise Keepers. Or Keeper's)
Effeminate Men
Emo's
Government Recipient's (STOP RECEIVING GOVERNMENT! And of course, everyone knows that Jesus hates poor people)
Thieve's/Jehovah's Witness's (Worst. Punctuation. Ever)
Loud mouth women (problems at home?)

Mostly, I want to know what groups are behind that guy's head there, especially the one that ends in "swine" and the other that ends in "nut's".
You know, on further review, drunkards, druggies, gangsters.... totally New Jersey's fan base.

Another ratings failure for the NHL

Once again, the NHL failed to attract their maximum potential audience in Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Who's idea was it to play the game to 1230 in the morning, local time, anyways? If the NHL continues to play games like this, how can they ever hope to be the marketing force that baseball or football are? Petr Sykora will be a hero in the NBC offices for mercifully ending that game,
(photo from Getty images)

I want one of these shirts

I don't know if you peruse the news sites as much as I do (it's been pretty quiet lately at Real Job Inc.), but i find myself at CNN rather frequently, mostly because it's very easy to type in. While on their site today, I stumbled across this. Yes, now you too can get your favorite headlines on a T-shirt. But hurry and nab that LBJ Tapes Reveal Sudden About-Face shirt, because they only last as long as the headline is in "latest news" surely making these collectors items.
I'm disappointed that there are only a few headlines available, and some aren't made available. I can think of a couple people I would want to give a "Incest suspect served time for rape" shirt. As for me? I'm waiting for a big 3 part interview with Ben Bernanke so I can get a "Fed to raise interest rates" shirt. In black, of course.
Also fun? The frequently asked questions, particularly the first one. "What are the minimum computer specifications required to use CNN shirts?" I hate it when I don't have enough RAM to wear a certain shirt, or my video card doesn't work with my pants.
Seriously though. I can't stop looking at CNN now, just waiting to see what riveting headline I can forever remember by wearing it. Complete with a timestamp.

It's gettin hot in herre!

Maybe it's because I'm a stereotypical rasist white guy, but I've always thought that Jacque Jones looked a lot like Nelly. Watching him tonight against the Twins, I'm reminded why. In fact, with the Tigers, I think he might even look MORE like Nelly than before. See for yourself: