Why isn't anyone making fun of this?

This is the Sports Illustrated cover from the May 3rd issue that was hanging out in the break room at Real Job Inc. I mean, isn't the site of 4 Yankees groping each other like Notre Dame quarterbacks funny to someone? How come I haven't seen any commentary on the topic, and the issue has been out for 16 days? I have three theories on this.
1 ) It would have received attention if A-Rod was involved, because he seems to be more hated than the rest of the team.
2 ) Yankees as pansies is a played out joke
3 ) Nobody reads Sports Illustrated

Predictions, 2010

Ryan posted his yesterday, so here's my predictions for 2010...

NL EAST
Washington Nationals
Florida Marlins
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Atlanta Braves

The Washington Nationals come as the surprise team in the National League. It turns out, someone in the Nationals media department managed to convince the other teams in the National League that the Nationals weren’t a real team and all games against them were exhibition games. This lead to half-hearted efforts, and some easy wins for the Nationals, who were not in on the joke. The media guy later admitted that the Nationals would’ve believed the hoax, too, if he told them.

NL CENTRAL
Chicago Cubs
St. Louis Cardinals
Pittsburg Pirates
Houston Astros
Milwaukee Brewers

The Pittsburg Pirates looked in position to take over the NL Central until September 19. On Talk Like a Pirate Day, the Pirates managed to all become addicted to rum, and the AA meetings interfered with game times, leading many regulars to miss games. The Cubs

NL WEST
San Diego Padres
Arizona Diamondbacks
Colorado Rockies
Los Angeles Dodger
San Francisco Giants

The Giants came in last place because the baseball writers hated spelling Francisco, and bribed the umpires. Other than citizens of the city, and Twins starter Francisco Liriano, no one cared much.

AL EAST
Baltimore Orioles
Toronto Blue Jays
New York Yankees
Boston Red Sox
Tampa Bay {Devil} Rays

While everyone hoped Orioles wouldn’t come in last place, they were the surprise of the season. The Yankees, with their great offense, and good pitching, realized that when they let a player take a day off to rest that they should replace the player on the field. The games without their catcher hurt the most.

AL CENTRAL
Kansas City Royals
Minnesota Twins
Cleveland Indians
Chicago White Sox
Detroit Tigers

The Royals find out that Zach Grienke isn’t really a normal human; he’s a science experiment gone terribly right. He doesn’t needs the four days of rest between starts. In fact, it’s discovered that he only needs 87 minutes, 31.5 seconds of rest between starts. This drastically changes the outlook of the Royals, who immediately replace starters 2-5 with two extra bullpen guys, and two extra batters. Grienke’s pitching allows the Royals to handily take the division with a 120-62 record. The Twins, for the third year straight, force a game 163 against the Blue Jays for the Wild Card slot. The Blue Jays, not realizing their error, picked up shortstop Adam Everett, who for the third year straight was on the losing team of Game 163. (Why aren’t the White Sox last? Because I feel generous today, and I don’t want to hear Steve to be mad at me.)


AL WEST

Texas Rangers
Seattle Mariners
Oakland A’s
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Using the heat of Texas as their home-field advantage to deplete the energy of their opponents, the Rangers handily win all their home games against their division rivals, who play in more temperate climates. (The teams from the Midwest and Northeast, being used to extreme temperatures, are only mildly affected by the extreme heatwave that lasts all summer in Texas.)

Playoffs:
NL: Nationals over the Cubs
Padres over the Marlins
Nationals over Padres
AL: Royals over the Orioles
Twins over Rangers

World Series:
Nationals versus Twins. In game seven, after the 32nd inning was finished with the 4-4 tie, fans were asked if anyone cared anymore who won (Games 1-6 all went between 13 and 21 innings). A resounding “no” came from the four fans still awake (although three of them caught naps between the 18-26th innings). A coin toss was attempted, but the coin landed on it’s side. The umpires declared the Cubs the winners and everyone went to bed happy. Except the Cubs’ fans, who were all in bed long before, and were bummed about missing their team finally winning.

April Fools! I suck at making predictions. I’m biased, and find it difficult to compare teams on paper (players, I'm good with; teams, not so much). So, like last year, I want to make insane predictions that, if they end up being true, will be a little frightening. Although it’s impossible for me to count my Twins out at all.

As an aside, and this, sadly, is not an April Fool’s joke, is one little note on my least favorite team, and the player that represents that team. Of all the things I’m thankful for is that while Derek Jeter is known as the Captain of the Yankees, he doesn’t wear a “C” on his chest, like Jason Varitek did for the Red Sox. Captains are completely unnecessary from a game perspective in baseball (clubhouse relations, they can be important, but still are not needed). (Hockey, for example, needs a captain, because the captains do have a function during the game, in talking to referees.) Anyway, on Wednesday, March 31*, 2010, the Twins were playing split squad games. Joe Mauer, Justin Morneau, and Michael Cuddyer—players whom people would consider the leaders on the Twins—were playing the Tampa Bay Devil Rays (look, it sounds better than Rays to me. Ray is a name. Rays sounds like a team made up of a bunch of guys name Ray). Some “regulars” like Denard Span, Alexi Casilla, and Delmon Young were playing against the Yankees in Tampa. Span is from Tampa. In the first at-bat of the game, he hit a line-drive foul ball into the stands—and hit his mother. He rushed to the stands and stayed until the medics came. After that, his head wasn’t in the game. In the second or third inning,
Derek Jeter pulled Span aside, and told him to go see about his mother. Span left the game. (His mother is fine.)

My mom’s birthday! Yes, we like to tell her she was born a day early.

I don’t like the Yankees. Derek Jeter represents the Yankees. Yet, in a team where the Twins didn’t really have any of their leaders, Derek Jeter stepped up to provide some veteran leadership. For that, I tip my cap to him. This, however, does not give him permission to get any hits against the Twins.

Timberwolves update: They have a 1-2 record since I last reported. They’re now at 15-60, or a 20.0% winning percentage. The have the worst record in the West, but New Jersey has the worst record in the NBA, 10-65. While their seasons have been over for a long time, I’m sure fans are wondering when they’ll stop playing games. Or attempting to play.

Wild Update: The Wild have a 37-34-6 record, for a 48.1% winning percentage. They’re not mathematically out of the playoff picture yet, but neither are the Washington Nationals.

Is it possible A-Rod did everything right?

Let's take a brief look at A-Rod's current situation and take what he has said to be mostly truthful. Statistically, the evidence is there that, in fact, he was mostly truthful. 2001-2003 were three of his best power years, though by his own admission, the Ballpark at Arlington is a better hitters park.
But just think of his situation. He was 25 years old and had just signed the richest contract in major league history. Expectations were reasonably high, and he wanted to meet them. Look at the team that he joined in 2001. Rafael Palmeiro. Ken Caminiti. Ruben Sierra. Randy Velarde. Take an impressionable youngster wanting to succeed and throw him with veterans such as these, and they will undoubtedly steer him in the wrong direction.
Additionally, at the time of his use, there was no penalty for the use of his steroids. From the standpoint of an owner paying a guy 25 million dollars a year, wouldn't you want players to do everything in their power to win? Especially if it was something that wasn't punishable by the league? Now, obviously, with such stringent policies regarding steroid use, even as an owner desperate to win, you wouldn't want your guys using if only to avoid suspension. He claims he stopped using in 2003, and indeed, he hasn't tested positive since. In short, nobody has proved that A-Rod has done anything that was disallowed by baseball.
As for the testing, he didn't try to skirt it, didn't avoid it, he just did it. He took the test and failed. So did 103 other people. Thats 3-4 other guys per team. If the players on the 40 man rosters at the end of the season were the ones tested, thats almost 9% of players in major league baseball. Clearly, it was a leaguewide problem.
Even though A-Rod was the only one identified by SI, he didn't take the opportunity to assign blame elsewhere, even though he justifiably could have. He could have blamed the Rangers for forcing him into steroid use. He could have blamed the Players Union and Sports Illustrated for throwing him under the bus for failing to keep what was supposed to be an anonymous test and making it public. But he didn't. He claimed he was stupid and naive, and thus far, the evidence seems to indicate this was the truth.
So far, in my mind, the worst thing A-Rod has done has been lying to Katie Couric. But goodness, who hasn't done that? At the time, however, think of the consequennces had A-Rod told the truth in this instance. Sure, A-Rod would have saved some of his own credibility, but it would have been ruinous for baseball. A-Rod says he used steroids, then MLB would have been questioned as to why he never tested positive. Then MLB has to divulge the fact that he did indeed test positive. Why wasn't the test reported? Why wasn't A-Rod suspended? It saves a little face for baseball that the specifics of the test were released with the positive test.
I don't think A-Rod has really done himself a huge disservice. I think, if anything, he has toed the company line, be it for the Rangers or the league, and in the end, he has been the one thrown to the wolves. If anyone should come out of this looking bad, its those organizations and not Rodriguez.

Gambling with the Victoria Times

This offseason, the Yankees have spent about 250 million dollars on C.C. Sabathia and A.J. Burnett. Also, amusingly, they are trying to trade for the Brewers' Mike Cameron, but whant the Brew Crew to take on part of his contract. Right.
But this is about the pitchers. They signed Sabathia, who the Brewers absolutely drove into the ground in the last few months of the year last season. Then there is A.J. Burnett, who went 18-10, but with an ERA in the 4's. And oh yeah, this was only his third healthy season in a 8 year career.
The question for our little wager? How many games, combined, will Burnett and Sabathia appear in this season (I say 22)? Second, who get's the blame if this happens? I say Sabathia and Burnett themselves.
If I ever create a t-shirt, winner gets a free t-shirt.

Bidding war for Sabathia?

Last year, the Brewers acquired C.C. Sabathia from the Indians and absolutely drove him into the ground. Three days rest? Sure! 125 pitches? Not a problem! It was common knowledge that the Brewers were wearing him out, thinking they couldn't afford him. Everyone knew it. Everyone even said it.
So now the Yankees want to make him the highest paid pitcher in baseball history. That's awesome. He's probably going to go out there and tear his rotator cuff and be put on the DL for the next season. Then he'll come back and be mediocre in 2010. Then the Yankees will trade him to some other team and eat most of the salary in order to get another pitcher and he will come back and win the Cy Young. It's going to be awesome.
So, C.C, I have one question. There is only one team stupid enough to fork over all that money right now. Why haven't you taken the deal? Take the deal C.C!

Sometimes life isn’t fair…and sometimes it is

I don’t know if Roger Clemens did steroids. Just like I don’t know if OJ Simpson killed his ex-wife or if Barry Bonds did steroids. There’s evidence, but from my following of the cases (not in-depth) there’s not enough. It’s frustrating, but it’s the way our legal system rightfully works. We’re innocent until proven guilty, as a precaution against innocent people who were in the wrong spot at the wrong time paying for a crime they could’ve committed, but didn’t. So, I don’t know that Roger Clemens used steroids; I just think he did. And I’m not alone.

Roger Clemens was “snubbed” by the Yankees in their final tribute to Yankee Stadium--did you know that the Yankees are moving to a new stadium, and that this year was the last year they’d play in this stadium? In July, the All Star Game was at Yankee Stadium for the last time ever. It’s true! I digress.

For the final celebration, the Yankees invited back so many of their people from the years past. Joe Torre wasn’t there, but that could be written off because he’s busy managing a team in contention for the playoffs. Roger Clemens wasn’t there, and, reportedly, he was heartbroken. The Yankees were afraid the boos over his behavior in regards to the steroids issue would put a damper on what should be a celebrated day.

I’m sure Clemens wanted to be there. And he could’ve been, in either of two ways: he could’ve admitted to steroids, or at least admitted to relationships with people who took steroids. He may be innocent of steroid abuse, but he certainly has taken a childish way of denying it, and has had a disaster of publish relations recently beyond the steroids (although, to be fair, I doubt you could find a single baseball player who hasn’t had at least one affair). Chuck Knoblach, Andy Pettite, and Jason Giambi were all acknowledged at Yankee Stadium, despite their imperfect past. All three of them admitted, and apologized for, their steroid use.

What happened is that Clemens allegedly did something wrong, and is paying for his crime. His superstar status did let him completely get away with the crime (if one was committed). It sucks, yes. But it’s part of life. Sometimes, life is fair.

Clemens may be innocent, and a victim of being in the wrong place. However, even if he didn’t actually use steroids, he was near them, and he should’ve been up-front about that. Even if he chose not to use them, his wife did, so he had a working relationship with a provider.

If Clemens is found to be a victim of bad circumstances, I only hope the Yankees apologize. But this much is a lesson: be careful with whom you associate. By your wife taking steroids, it makes people much more suspicious of your behavior.

By the way, Roger. You could’ve been at Yankee Stadium for that last game. No one was stopping you from buying a ticket and attending. I’m sure that tickets were hard to find. You made a lot of money in your career; you could’ve found someone willing to sell the ticket for an unreasonably high price.

Not to get political, but with $700 billion bailout of the finance industry, you could take that money and pay every member of every team’s 40-man roster--plus 15 other people on each team--career salaries of A-Rod. Now that’s a lot of money.

I have a plan for the Yankees

All right, Hank Steinbrenner, listen up. I don't like you, and you don't care who I am, but I have a plan that will make both of us happy. See, I'm going to help you guys get back to the World Series. The plan is simple. This year, and perhaps for the next few. you're going to need to really suck. No really. Embrace the suck.
The Yankees had a revival in the late 90s, winning the World Series in 1996 and then not really looking back until, oh, say 2004. But in the interest of getting your team to suck (for the greater good, of course), I won't bring that up. I will bring up the early 90's though. Like 1990, when the Yankees were dead last in the AL East. They didn't really improve for a few years, either. Do you know what this led to? This led to high draft picks, most notably, Derek Jeter, who was picked 6th overall in 1992. If you had been a decent team, you would have been drafting later, and Jeter could have ended up with the Giants, the next team picking. Can you imagine Jeter developing as a player with a character like Barry Bonds? The horror! The Giants drafted Calvin Murray instead. What if Jeter ended up with the next team to draft a short stop, the Mets? What if the Mets were the team with all of Jeter's clutchiness and splendor? Can you imagine?
And it could have all happened that way, had you not sucked. But Jeter isn't the only prospect you had. No sir. Other first round picks, Eric Milton and Brian Buchanan were packaged and traded to the Twins for Chuck Knoblauch. Really, when you boil it down, the only long tenured players with the Yankees that were signed via free agency were Mike Mussina and Jason Giambi. The rest were all trade acquisitions (because of your home grown talent) and, well, home grown talent.
I've made my case as well as I can think to. The Yankees need to go ahead and let this season get away from you and just continue to suck out loud. Build that farm system back up, maybe find another Derek Jeter. Then you can start trading your prospects for guys like Prince Fielder, who will be ready to leave Milwaukee by then. Cecil worked out great, right?
It was those early 90's teams that laid the foundation for your run about 5 years later. Heck, you guys should probably give Mattingly a ring just for all that.
And yes, I do stand to benefit. I would love to laugh at Yankee misery for about 4-5 years.

Something about A-Rod

So while I almost always take a certain delight when things go awry for the Yankees, I can't help but be concerned by the departure of Alex Rodriguez. See, in all the time he spend in New York, while Rodriguez was branded a loser and a choker, the Yankees looked like the bad guys. Then, when Boston won the World Series, Rodriguez, and his even more evil agent decided that was the perfect time to announce his departure, which is entirely uncalled for (just ask Peter Gammons). The Yankees, in this regard, stuck to their guns and said they weren't going to negotiate with him, since he didn't bother to even explore their offer. After such a terrible season, the Yankees look like the good guys.
But enough about the Yankees. What about the Twins? Well, A-Rod leaving is bad for the Twins on two fronts. First, by having his option not picked up by the Yankees, that also let's the Rangers off the hook for a substantial sum of money, which, according to reports, they will use to sign Torii Hunter, who was about 1/5th of the teams offense this year, and the Twins are going to actually have to make roster moves in order to replace that. Heck, it may not even be as complicated as the Rangers getting more money. The Yankees could probably afford to pick up a new center fielder as well. Wouldn't that make you sick?
The other problem is this. If there is a bidding war that fires up soon, that means teams will show just how much money they have, which, of course, means players will ask for more money, something Carl Pohlad would rather take to his grave than spend on making Minnesotans happy, if history is any indication. And what position gets the biggest boost in price? Why, third base, of course. And the Twins have been looking for a third baseman, seemingly since Gary Gaetti. Sure, they had Corey Koskie for a few years, but now would be a good time to find an improvement over the void there now.
So, I once supported Alex Rodriguez, but now, in affect, he and his evil agent have screwed over baseball, and specifically, the Twins.

(photo again courtesy the New York Times)