Somewhere in a Minnesota Saloon

(Sebastian Telfair and Delmon Young sit at a table, drinking Sarsaparilla. Bryant McKinnie steps in).

BK: Well, I just got out jail. Got into a fight.

DY: Oh yeah? I mostly haven't been busted, except for that time I chucked a bat at the umpire.

ST: That's nothing. My posse and I were implicated in the shooting of a rapper.

BK: I got a lap dance on a boat one time. Oh, and there was some other stuff too.

ST: I walk around with a gun, even though I've been arrested twice for it.

DY: I scared the crap out of Josh Paul using my bat and Triscuits.

BK: Well, I was involved in dogfighting.

ST: I didn't hear --

BK: Oh, I didn't use two dogs. I just punch puppies.

DY: I hijacked a bus full of nuns and made them watch The Hottie and the Nottie.

ST: I had to be traded out of Boston because because they found out that I relieved myself on the first row of seats at the Garden. Like, daily.

BK: I use stolen identities to buy swords online. I use the swords to threaten the elderly.

DY: I kick mall Santas in the junk.

ST: I teach kindergarteners how to make meth.

BK: I --

(McKinnie is interrupted as a new figure enters the saloon. They look at him. He looks at them.)

DY: Who the hell are you?

(The stranger swings a hockey stick at Young's head, breaks McKinnie's ankle with a well placed stomp and grabs Telfair by the collar and leans in close.)

Stranger: Go out there and tell everyone that this is Chris Simon's town now, bitches.

(Telfair runs, weeping)