BREAKING: Twins have a player named Maurer

According to Yahoo!, the Twins' Maurer had some minor surgery
(He sort of looks like Bill Cowher, or was in Toto)

Minnesota's 10-0 record doesn't mean anything, because they play in the Big 10

Big deal. The Golden Gophers are 10-0. This should be promptly ignored because the Big Ten is a slow, boring conference, that never seems to produce quality teams. Oh sure, people may point to Michigan State, Illinois, Ohio State, Wisconsin, Purdue or Indiana and say that the Big Ten historically has a strong conference. But really, who are you fooling? That's barely half the conference.
This conference also has crap like Iowa, who lost to Drake today. They aren't even the best team in Iowa! And Northwestern, perennial crap, has already dropped a game to Brown. Ironic, yes? Let's not forget Penn State and their loss to Rhode Island. With such terrible teams in conference, how can you even begin to say that Minnesota is deserving of accolades for their 10-0 record?

Timberwolves Draft Day

Over heard in the Timberwolves' war room...

Guy 1: We need to make this team popular again! How do we make Minnesotan's love it?

Guy 2: We could try.... winning?

[Everyone laughs]

Guy 3: Well, the Twins are probably the most popular team in town, what are they doing.

2: Winning?

1, 3: Shut up, dude.

1: Well, let's see. They have Justin Morneau, Joe Mauer, Nick Punto. They seem to be hits in the community and with the team.

3: Hmm... So, they have a big white guy, a smaller white guy who is a gifted offensive player born nearby, and another white guy who is mostly annoying to other teams but hustles real hard and makes people like him? How do we replicate that here?

1: Well, I have an idea, but, well, we would have to take on another player who doesn't fit our white guy mold.

3: Let me see..... Eh, his name is Jason and he went to Stanford. Nobody will notice.

2: You guys are assholes.

Somewhere in a Minnesota Saloon

(Sebastian Telfair and Delmon Young sit at a table, drinking Sarsaparilla. Bryant McKinnie steps in).

BK: Well, I just got out jail. Got into a fight.

DY: Oh yeah? I mostly haven't been busted, except for that time I chucked a bat at the umpire.

ST: That's nothing. My posse and I were implicated in the shooting of a rapper.

BK: I got a lap dance on a boat one time. Oh, and there was some other stuff too.

ST: I walk around with a gun, even though I've been arrested twice for it.

DY: I scared the crap out of Josh Paul using my bat and Triscuits.

BK: Well, I was involved in dogfighting.

ST: I didn't hear --

BK: Oh, I didn't use two dogs. I just punch puppies.

DY: I hijacked a bus full of nuns and made them watch The Hottie and the Nottie.

ST: I had to be traded out of Boston because because they found out that I relieved myself on the first row of seats at the Garden. Like, daily.

BK: I use stolen identities to buy swords online. I use the swords to threaten the elderly.

DY: I kick mall Santas in the junk.

ST: I teach kindergarteners how to make meth.

BK: I --

(McKinnie is interrupted as a new figure enters the saloon. They look at him. He looks at them.)

DY: Who the hell are you?

(The stranger swings a hockey stick at Young's head, breaks McKinnie's ankle with a well placed stomp and grabs Telfair by the collar and leans in close.)

Stranger: Go out there and tell everyone that this is Chris Simon's town now, bitches.

(Telfair runs, weeping)

An exclusive interview with Stu Scott?

We've had some fun here with Stuart Scott in the past, but the fact remains, he's still a high paid, influential sports journalist. Well, the other night, I had the opportunity to ask him a few questions recently. Here we go.

Good to see you Mr. Scott. I want to first ask you your opinion on Barry Bonds.

Thanks, dog, good to talk to you. You know, he's leaving the Giants after a great career there. Big ups to my man Barry.

You don't think his career there has been tainted by steroid allegations?

I haven't seen any proof of his guilt. All I see is a great hitter doing big things.

What about his trainer who is in jail for refusing to give grand jury testimony?

How is that evidence? Since when did grand juries become law?

...

Now, take a look at someone like Jay Gibbons, that monster, who has actually been linked to a pharmacy that provides steroids.

Wasn't Bonds linked to BALCO?

To what now?

Never mind. Let's talk about football. Who do you have?

Well, the Eagles are clearly the class of the league, with my dog D-Mac in charge. Clearly, he's the best quarterback in the league. Nothing can stop them. Booyah!

Besides the Packers right? Or the Redskins or Giants? And it looks to me like the Patriots are unstoppable, and that Tom Brady might be the best quarterback in the league.

He would be nothing without Randy Moss. That dude is so Now.

Any thoughts on the beginning of hockey season?

Ho-what? Just playin'. I think they really need to inspect that league. It's entirely too brutal to be shown on television, with all the fighting and hits. I think they really have a problem with violence.

Uh. Sure. So, who is your favorite athlete?

Muhammad Ali, all time favorite. Currently Pacman Jones. He's fast and exciting. Too bad he's not playing.

You do recognize the irony right? Muhammad Ali fought and Pacman Jones hits. And shoots bouncers. Or, his posse shoots bouncers.

Hockey players are out of control thugs. Pacman is just a misguided soul.

What the hell? Wait. You haven't made a single logical point the entire interview.

Are you a racist?

What?!

You're a racist! This interview's over! I want to talk to your manager. You should be suspended for your yellow journalism.

Wait. What?!

[Scott leaves and the door slams. The end]

So yeah. That didn't go well. I'm expecting a letter from Google any time now, telling me that I can no longer blog here. So, if this is farewell, it's been a great ride.