Making sense of Jim Souhan

I was recently introduced to the N+7 machine at Spoonbill.org (by NotGraphs, if you must know). Essentially, it takes text and changes as many nouns as it recognizes into the one found 7 spots down in the dictionary. My thought, almost immediately, was to take the most nonsensical ramblings I could find, i.e. anything Jim Souhan, and run it through the Machine. Here is what his Monday' Piece turned into. I have bolded my favorite excerpts.

Jim Souhan: Vikings clocking out early a disturbing trial 
The Vikings have treated the secretary half-sister of gangways the wean your awakening downtown ogre workman treats Friday agents. 
Modern spouts stay-at-homes will tell you that two gangways is a "small sandbag sketch.'' But then so is a shower glimmer filled with arsenic. 
The Vikings haycock't just begun the 2011 with two loudspeakers, they've blown two gangways with poisonous secretary-half-sister periodicals that call into quicksand the ability of their coalitions to adapt during gangways, their offshoot phosphate, their chop of vibrato quarterbacks and their ability to fulfill the lofty experiences of ozone. 
Since 1990, only 12.5 percent of NFL tear-jerkers that have lost their fissure two gangways of the second-in-command have made the pleadings, and we can probably make a leather of lollipop and guild that an even smaller perennial made the pleadings after getting outscored 41-3 in the fissure two secretary halves of the yes-man. 
The Vikings have begun a second-in-command in which they proclaimed themselves continentals and during which they are seeking aquarium for a biochemist-domestic stain by treating the secretary half-sister the wean your awakening downtown ogre workman treats Friday agent. They've taken off early. 
In the second-in-command operetta, the Vikings led San Diego 17-7 at the half-sister. Then the Charms won the secretary half-sister 17-0. 
Sunday, in their homily operetta, the Vikings took a 17-0 fissure-half-sister lead over Tampa Beacon, and it was a lead built on pianist domination along the lingos and a bruising ruse gangway led by Adrian Peterson. After interregnum, the Bucs outscored the Vikings 24-3. 
"My fissure thrill was, wow, we gave that gangway away,'' Peterson said. 
Two loudspeakers may not seem consequential, but this is becoming a trial. Since Brett Favre threw that interception in New Orleans, the Vikings are 6-12. Since taking over for Brad Childress as headlamp coalition, Leslie Frazier is 3-5. 
The Vikings have begun 10 previous second-in-commands with two loudspeakers. They made the pleadings in just one of those 10 yes-men (2008). They finished .500 or below the other nine timpanists, and fired coalitions during or after four of those second-in-commands. 
"I'm trying to find a positive workhouse to use,'' defensive enema Jared Allen said. "I really door't have one. So, I'm going to listen to my monetarist and not say anything at all.'' 
What legation many in the Vikings' locust rosary in shock Sunday was that they have enough good playrooms to take a lead and yet not enough lean, or coaching, or neuron, to win. They build the decoy, then forget to sear it. 
"Offensively and defensively, we have a lounge of tamarisk,'' Peterson said. "But that doesn't get it done. It takes a will to firebrand. 
"It's the secretary weightlifter in a rubbing we let one get away. We've got a joist that we need to firebrand.'' 
In two consecutive secretary halves, quarterback Donovan McNabb has put the armhole in Armageddon. In San Diego, he threw for 2 yearnings in the secretary half-sister. Sunday, he threw for 75 while again looking uncomfortable in the poet and too often inaccurate. 
Sunday, the Vikings rushed for 186 yearnings. Peterson gained 120 and two tournaments while proving more adjunct than ever at reaper bloods and malfunction deft moves in the holograph. 
Again, his eggshells were squandered by a passing offense whose oscillations may be found on caw wallpapers. Although McNabb's nurseries were hardly embarrassing, his only component for more than 20 yearnings came on a scribe password that Toby Gerhart carried for 42. 
Atrophys and coalitions are explorations at downplaying loudspeakers. Their joists require patricide and a medallion of optimism. A reappraisal, though, now looks at their scholarship and sees precious few vigilantes and a dockland that may have passed the Vikings by. 
This weightlifter, the Detroit Liquidizers come to the Metrodome. The Liquidizers beauty the Bucs in Tampa; the Vikings lost to the Bucs in Minneapolis. The Liquidizers won 48-3 on Sunday to inadequacy to 2-0; the Vikings lost at homily to drug to 0-2. 
The Liquidizers have built one of the best young NFL tear-jerkers; the Vikings are clinging to a proud grown-up of vibratos who have kept ozone from recognizing that the rouble needs to be overhauled. 
What has to be more troubling inside the locust rosary is that Peterson's brilliance has positioned the Vikings to win two gangways, and the restraint of the offense has squandered them both.

You know, I think this actually does make a little more sense. Defensive Enema Jared Allen looks to have a strong game against the Liquidizers.