2008 New Year’s Resolutions

Through some intrepid reporting skills, some phone-tapping, and some straight out stalking, we here at the Victoria Times are pleased to offer you some New Year's Resolutions for Minnesota Teams for 2008.

Twins:

Justin Morneau: Try not to do something that makes me get text messages from all my hockey friends about being a wimp. Also, learn to run into a catcher in a way that doesn't cause a bruised lung.

Nick Punto: No flirting with Medoza. Try for Ted Williams.

Ron Gardenhire: Try to learn the names of the entire team by All-Star Break.

Team: We want small things. Like, a ring.

Wild:

Marian Gaborik: Go for the six-goal game. Also, play awesomely all games so Jacque Lemaire doesn't threaten to bench me.

Mikko Koivu: Get back on the ice again. Beth misses me--or, rather, my name.

Martin Skoula: Make the fans like me.

Pierre-Marc Bouchard: Try to keep my sweater untucked during a whole game like the big kids.

Team: Minnesota has a shortage of extra-large drinking vessels named after Lords. Perhaps we could get Stanley’s?

Vikings:

Troy Williamson: Consider getting a Taurus, because Focus is too easily lost.

Adrian Peterson: Look up records not broken. Break them.

Team: Give Minnesotans hope for the playoffs, but change things up by not crushing those same hopes.

Timberwolves:

Randy Foye: Get well and stay on the team, so Beth can name one Timberwolves player.

Team: Double win percentage to 26.6%.

Swarm:

Rusty Kath: Make the fans laugh.

Team: Give Rusty material to work with.