Why the Twins will still win the central, in Ja Rulian fashion

Originally posted on "Is It Sports?" by Ryan.

Ryan: so who will be good on the sox next year?
Steve: I guess we're using the Twins model
Steve: we even have the white guy with the weird last name
Steve: Jermaine Dye should start going by J.C. Dye or something
Ryan: he should... but only if he becomes a mediocre middle reliever

As my brother said after reading my last post “are you even a Twins fan? All you did was rip on them.” I am still a Twins fan, believe it or not, and despite the obvious holes on the team, I think they are still going to win the American League, and I’m going to tell you why. Here it is, as promised, the Ja Rule metaphor.

For those of you who don’t know, DMX and Rule have had a spat over the past however long. It goes something like this. X: I’m so much better than you at rapping and sounding like the Cookie Monster. Plus, I’m a badass and you wore a sweater in that video with Ashanti. Ja Rule: I’m making much more money than you.

Let’s say, for kicks, that Ja Rule is the Twins, and DMX is the White Sox. Additionally, let’s say the “money” is AL Central titles, and their styles of rapping are the way the teams approach a baseball season. Being a badass is the new way to sell records. Look at 50 Cent, or Eminem or whomever. The new way to win baseball titles is to sign truckloads of free agents. Wearing a sweater and singing duets was the old, Buddy Holly way of selling records. The old way of winning baseball titles was to have a solid core of homegrown talent and to have good fundamentals.

So Ja Rule is climbing up the charts, making money, all the while being ridiculed for not being a badass, while DMX whiles away, scaring the hell out of white people but making relatively little cash. Let’s say, for argument’s sake, DMX wanted to make more money, and realized the old way wasn’t working. So what does he do? He emulates Ja Rule, his nemesis, and puts on an argyle sweater and does a duet with Mary J. Blige. Would you buy that? Hell no. And now DMX sold out and all he has to show for it is an ugly sweater.

This DMX scenario is, of course, not plausible. The thing is, this is happening to the Sox. All their high priced free agents are being let go and traded for Scott Podsednik. They are hanging up their badass for a bunch of skill players and a soft jazz beat. The only problem is, just like DMX doesn’t understand how to be a dorky pop star, the White Sox don’t know how to play small ball. Worse yet, they sold their soul (i.e. their entire triple A team) to be stacked with sluggers and stars, or rather, to be badasses.

Worse yet, as the Sox will soon realize, this is the year the Twins laid an egg. For all intents and purposes, this is a rebuilding year for the Twinks, while they wait for their young players to fill bigger roles. This is the year the DMX realizes that Ja Rule just released an album full of remakes of Perry Cuomo songs. If the Sox had stayed true to form, they could have run away with the division this year.

Harder for them to swallow, is that next year Terry Tiffee, Jason Bartlett, Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer will have fully blossomed, not too mention the Indians and Tigers will have finished their rebuilding process. This could have been the last good chance for the White Sox to win the division in a landslide. From here on out, it’s all Rule baby, whether you like it or not. –Ryan

P.S. DMX, you are a badass, and I don’t want you to think I believe anything else. Much more talented too. Please don’t read this and hurt me. I’m just as white and scared as Woody Allen.