In Yuppies We Trust

Originally posted on "Is It Sports?" by Kevin, another friend who did a few great posts for us in the early days of the site. It's fun to have someone else attacking the Cubs besides me.

Naming your first three daughters Addison, Sheffield, and Waveland , Now that's Old Style.

Making $10 million extra dollars in revenue and not spending it, Now that's Old Style

Getting rid of Samy Sosa, Moises Alou, and 74 home runs, Now that's Old Style.

Disclaimer: I am not a Cubs fan. Just a bewildered, perplexed, and perhaps thankful Giants fan.

What do urine, sneezing, and personal feelings all have to do with baseball? Nothing. In the unbiased world of sports Moises Alou will hit at least his career average of 28 home runs next year, Sammy Sosa will hit his average of 43, and Aramis Ramirez will hit his average of 27. However, Chicago is not located in the unbiased world of sports. Instead, it truly is a world of its own, where stats are used to prop up popular Cubs players, and play down every one else. Here are three examples of crazy Cubs logic, the same logic that says they will win the World Series this year.

I. What pissing on your hands can do to a man

Moises Alou could be considered a fine baseball player, the youngest of a historic baseball family. The key word their is "could." That was until he admitted to reports, for unknown reasons, that he urinates on his hands before games, as an alternative to wearing batting gloves. This was part of the reason the Cubs, and Cubs fans for that reason, didn't want him back this year. Cubs fans say Alou isn't a team player, runs slow, fields bad, the excuses will keep rolling off their yuppie tongues. But the matter of fact is that Alou has consistently been a very productive power hitter, and hit 39 home runs for the Cubs last season. Have you ever heard of a team and their fans complain about a player hitting 39 home runs? The cubs decide to get rid of him because he's "not good enough for them." The likes of Corey Patterson are often brought up in conversations with Yuppies. Cubs fans would like you to believe he's a better player than Moises Alou. Ok Corey, Ill take your average of 20 homers a season, 69 RBIs and 158 hits. But I'd rather have Alou's 28 home runs, 177 hits, and 109 RBIs. The point is that once Alou had a bad baserunning play, didn't connect well with the media, or pissed on his hands, the Cubs and their fans found a way to downplay him as a player. Their loss. Instead, the Cubs will replace Alou with Todd Hollandsworth, a former rookie of the year who has never hit more than 12 home runs a season. As one Cub fan said, "Moises Alou wont hit more than 25 home runs next year." Maybe that fan is right. But just because you don't like the guy, doesn't mean you can will him to a bad season, or that he is suddenly worse than Todd Hollandsworth. Somebody, anybody tell me why the Cubs got rid of Moises Alou.

Nobody wants to slap the Palm of that hand and A closer look at what urine does to a hand

II. Sammy Sosa: Since 39 home runs wasn't good enough for Alou, why would 35 be good enough for Sosa?

Technically Sosa is still a Chicago Cub. But not if the Cubs and Cubs fans have their way. Because Sammy didn't hit 65 home runs last year, he was considered a disappointment, so much that he should be traded. Because he got hurt for a week "sneezing" he's considered no good. And because he left the last game of the year early in frustration and disappointment, he wont produce next year. Again, Cubs fans seem to think that players will only perform as well as they are supported by the Cubs faithful. Somebody remind me how many home runs Sosa hit last year. That's right, THIRTY FIVE! And that was a down year for him. Yet 9 out of 10 yuppies would agree that Sosa will only continue downward, is struggling since he's "off the juice," and cant perform under pressure. This is the same Sosa who hit a 2 run home run in the bottom of the ninth in the NLCS to send game 1 to extra innings. The Cubs would have never made the playoffs in 2003 without Sosa. There would have been no Bartman, no playoffs, no hope. Boy do Cubs fans have short memory. And yes, Sosa will hit at least 30 home runs next year.












Sammy Sosa, taking a bad fall while sneezing

III. Aramis Ramirez: The best player baseball has ever seen

So lets make an important recap. Alou had a career year, but will definitely be bad next year. Sosa had a down year, so he will continue downward. What does all this mean? That since Aramis Ramirez had a career year last year, he unlike Alou, will continue upward and lead the Cubs to the promise land. For some reason, Cubs fans don't find anything about Ramirez distasteful or unnerving, and because of those personal feelings, he is definitely the better player. Where do Cubs fans come up with this stuff? Ramirez averages 27 home runs a year, 164 hits, and a .273 batting average. But he's better than Alou, right? Ramirez may be younger, and have more promise for the long run, but I have no reason to believe that he will continue to be one of baseballs best AND that Alou and Sosa fall off the map in this next season. Ramirez, you are a good player, but not peeing on your hands or throwing your back sneezing doesn't guarentee you another career year.

Believe the hype, the talk, the excuses, and the whining from Cubs fans if you want. But just remember, the numbers aren't on their side, history isn't on their side, and common sense isn't on their side. What is on their side is personal feelings. These feelings towards players are being mixed up with an evaluation of that players performance. This isn't just a problem with the fans, but also with the Cubs front office, since they have acted upon these fans opinions. Who knows? Maybe Cubs fans will be right next year, and everything will fall into place as expected. But I wouldn't bet on it. There is, however, only one thing we know for sure that will happen . There wont be any corked bats with urine stains sitting in the Cubs clubhouse next year.


















Ramirez welcomes the Yuppie "Love" with open arms....enjoy it while it lasts

-Kevin Grigsby (The original KGB)

P.S. Cubs fans are complaining that Dusty Baker isn't good enough either. Go figure.