Players Over 30 Need Not Apply
Originally posted on "Is It Sports?" by Ryan. It's his first post about the Twins! A 2005 season preview.
Ryan (12:31:44 AM): http://cjbaseball.com/
Ryan (12:31:53 AM): official home of C. J. Nitkowski
Steve (12:32:56 AM): I think our site is actually better
Ryan (12:33:26 AM): the choice at the beginning is very existential
Steve (12:33:46 AM): I went for baseball
Ryan (12:34:40 AM): and hes playing for the twins
Steve (12:36:08 AM): yep
Ryan (12:36:35 AM): best former tiger on the team
I figured it was time for a baseball article. Since I’m turning into what Kenny Lofton is to the Yankees at Target (an incredible talent with no playing time) , I think I can squeak out a post or two this week. For this post, I’m going to break down the Twins, C.J. Nitkowski and all, and in my next post, I’ll tell you why they are still better than the White Sox using an exquisite Ja Rule metaphor. Watch out for that. It’s gonna be brilliant.
For the time being though, I’m going to break down the Twins, position by position.
Starting Pitcher – I think this is going to be the highlight of the team, and, as everyone knows, low scores are the foundation of exciting sports. For the first time since the Nixon administration, Brad Radke won’t be the opening day ace. I always thought he was a great middle of the rotation starter, and now, with the emergence of Carlos Santana… I mean Carlos Silva and Johan Santana, Radke can be the number two as the Twins will be close three games in a row. It’s supernatural.
As for the other two starters. Kyle Lohse? Terry Mulholland? Matt Guerrier?! It doesn’t look promising. Lohse is solid if you can post double digits game in game out. Back when Jason Schmidt was going to get dealt, there was talk of Lohse for Schmidt straight up. But at the time he was too big a talent to let go. Now he has a ridiculous goatee. Unbelievable.
His grandfather, Mulholland, learned everything he knows from Casey Stengel. The joke here is that the guy is old. He reminds me of the aged seasonal help at your local department store. He gets the job done when you need him, but he’s really only there because he has nothing better to do. As for Guerrier, I think he got lost on a tour of the facilities in Elizabethtown.
Relief Pitcher - This will be either a phenomenal or a disastrous bullpen. I see no gray area. How will Juan “Babyface” Rincon react to pitching batting practice to the Yankees in the last playoff series? If it rolls off his back, he’s reliable. If not, he’s Kyle Lohse, only in the bullpen.
J.C. Romero has shown promise, except for last year when he showed a lot of suck. If he gets hot, as he inevitably will, he will be unhittable, and that gives me some solace. The fact that Jesse Crain is our next best middle reliever terrifies me. The prospect of a game going from Kyle Lohse to Jesse Crain to bad Juan Rincon to J.D. Durbin gives me nausea. But at least we have Boof Bonser.
Which brings me to another strange point. Of the active players, and guys I know will be on the team eventually, most don’t use their full first name. J.C Romero. C. J. Nitkowski. J. D. Durbin. Boof. It’s like a crappy set of Scrabble tiles.
Beyond the guys I’ve already mentioned, we have Grant Balfour (the most unfortunate name I’ve ever heard for a pitcher) whom should never be used if the manager has heart problems. Then there is Joe Nathan, the best closer in the AL, who we acquired when we traded Clubhouse Cancer to the Giants. Joe Nathan. Chemotherapy. After those guys, we’ll plug in kids from the Arden Hills little league team.
Infield – Wow. What a mess. There are two positions that are “set”. First base and catcher are going to be occupied by Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer, respectively. This would be fine, but they can only play if they pass Mr. Klein’s wood shop class. Combined, they aren’t as old as Terry Mulholland. Seriously, I’m older than Joe Mauer. And he is ready to be the future face of the Twins? I’m surprised he hasn’t asked to play in sweats.
Mauer and Morneau have a lot on their shoulders. Mauer will be the face of the team for as long as Carl Pohlad will pay him, and Morneau is viewed as the next Tom Brunansky, someone to finally be a true slugger for the squad. It’s quite a load to bear for guys who get carded when they want to see an R movie.
The rest of the infield features the all-star cast of Jason Bartlett, Juan Castro, Michael Cuddyer, Eric Munson, Augie Ojeda, Nick Punto, Luis “yes, I DO think the eyeliner looks good on me” Rivas, and Terry Tiffee. I think they will draw straws to play second third and short fifteen minutes before lineups are due to the umpire. But at least they are young.
Cuddyer was highly touted for the past forever, and never really panned out as a superstar (duh) but I have faith in him to bat seventh and play third. Punto is scrappy. One of my favorite players on the Twins. Too bad he can’t hit thirty home runs and is build like an elf. Munson was rejected by the Tigers. The Tigers! Disgusting. Tiffee has a motor. All of them are excellent utility players, but not everyday players. But at least they are young.
As for Rivas, I don’t know what to think. If you asked me last year what infielder I would have preferred to keep, Corey Koskie, Cristian Guzman, Doug Mientkiewicz or Luis Rivas, I can guarantee that it wouldn’t have been Rivas. Needless to say, he’s still providing his .225 batting average and acceptable glove work He’s turning into Denny Hocking. The Twin with borderline major league talent who won’t go away. He’ll be sapping payroll until I’m in my thirties. .
Our catching is a flagrant attempt at respectability. Not only do we have the player drafted right before Mark Prior starting there, we have serviceable back up in Mike Redmond. Also listed as a catcher is Matt Lecroy, who plays like he’s playing slow pitch softball. All he does is hit homeruns or gets into an “easy out” situation. (Really, find game footage where he did something else). Potentially the back-up DH.
Outfield – The average age of the outfielders is something like 15 years older than the infielders. And even then, the outfielders are only 30. Mulholland brings the whole team average up to 37. But I digress. The fearsome foursome of Shannon Stewart, Jacque Jones, Torii “the Flower” Hunter, and Lew Ford provide a good core for the team. I expect them to field every ball hit, either in the air, or through the legs of Jason Bartlett.
The fact that Stewart is one of the most reliable veterans is a fact I find a skosh unsettling. He was the third best player on the Blue Jays before he was traded to the Twins, and now we are counting on him for everything. I don’t want that. I’m not sure anyone does.
Jacque Jones had a great hitting season the past year and the year before, but with all this trade talk, I can’t help but think he’s due to go Brady Anderson on us any game. Another funny thing about Jones: put a band-aid on his cheek and he’s Nelly. Look at the guy. They’re the same person!
Torii Hunter is very good at catching a baseball. I don’t know if you were aware. He has a role in a new commercial by Nike in which he plays a flower. Some day, however, someone will realize he is batting below .250 and that his good glove doesn’t mean he should be batting clean-up.
Lew Ford is an interesting fellow. Through anecdotal evidence, its quite apparent that the man is a dork. A dork making a lot of money. He could pay the dry cleaner instead of ironing the shirt on his back. But the truth is, he is a solid fielder, a good hitter, and a half wit. He will provide the Twins with a spark all year. I can’t ridicule him. Just read the newspaper, you’ll find something funny about him.
The rest of the outfielders, such as Michael Ryan or Michael Restovitch are solid back-ups and should fill in all right when one of the top four inevitably goes down. I’m not worried at all about the outfield. It feels nice saying that.
My Projected Lineup:
LF Stewart
RF Ford
C Mauer
1b Morneau
CF Hunter
DH Jones
3b Cuddyer
2b Rivas
SS Bartlett
There you have it. That took entirely too long too write. But don’t forget, I’m going to talk about the AL Central sometime in the future, when I get around to it. - Ryan
Ryan (12:31:44 AM): http://cjbaseball.com/Ryan (12:31:53 AM): official home of C. J. Nitkowski
Steve (12:32:56 AM): I think our site is actually better
Ryan (12:33:26 AM): the choice at the beginning is very existential
Steve (12:33:46 AM): I went for baseball
Ryan (12:34:40 AM): and hes playing for the twins
Steve (12:36:08 AM): yep
Ryan (12:36:35 AM): best former tiger on the team
I figured it was time for a baseball article. Since I’m turning into what Kenny Lofton is to the Yankees at Target (an incredible talent with no playing time) , I think I can squeak out a post or two this week. For this post, I’m going to break down the Twins, C.J. Nitkowski and all, and in my next post, I’ll tell you why they are still better than the White Sox using an exquisite Ja Rule metaphor. Watch out for that. It’s gonna be brilliant.
For the time being though, I’m going to break down the Twins, position by position.
Starting Pitcher – I think this is going to be the highlight of the team, and, as everyone knows, low scores are the foundation of exciting sports. For the first time since the Nixon administration, Brad Radke won’t be the opening day ace. I always thought he was a great middle of the rotation starter, and now, with the emergence of Carlos Santana… I mean Carlos Silva and Johan Santana, Radke can be the number two as the Twins will be close three games in a row. It’s supernatural.
As for the other two starters. Kyle Lohse? Terry Mulholland? Matt Guerrier?! It doesn’t look promising. Lohse is solid if you can post double digits game in game out. Back when Jason Schmidt was going to get dealt, there was talk of Lohse for Schmidt straight up. But at the time he was too big a talent to let go. Now he has a ridiculous goatee. Unbelievable.
His grandfather, Mulholland, learned everything he knows from Casey Stengel. The joke here is that the guy is old. He reminds me of the aged seasonal help at your local department store. He gets the job done when you need him, but he’s really only there because he has nothing better to do. As for Guerrier, I think he got lost on a tour of the facilities in Elizabethtown.
Relief Pitcher - This will be either a phenomenal or a disastrous bullpen. I see no gray area. How will Juan “Babyface” Rincon react to pitching batting practice to the Yankees in the last playoff series? If it rolls off his back, he’s reliable. If not, he’s Kyle Lohse, only in the bullpen.
J.C. Romero has shown promise, except for last year when he showed a lot of suck. If he gets hot, as he inevitably will, he will be unhittable, and that gives me some solace. The fact that Jesse Crain is our next best middle reliever terrifies me. The prospect of a game going from Kyle Lohse to Jesse Crain to bad Juan Rincon to J.D. Durbin gives me nausea. But at least we have Boof Bonser.
Which brings me to another strange point. Of the active players, and guys I know will be on the team eventually, most don’t use their full first name. J.C Romero. C. J. Nitkowski. J. D. Durbin. Boof. It’s like a crappy set of Scrabble tiles.
Beyond the guys I’ve already mentioned, we have Grant Balfour (the most unfortunate name I’ve ever heard for a pitcher) whom should never be used if the manager has heart problems. Then there is Joe Nathan, the best closer in the AL, who we acquired when we traded Clubhouse Cancer to the Giants. Joe Nathan. Chemotherapy. After those guys, we’ll plug in kids from the Arden Hills little league team.
Infield – Wow. What a mess. There are two positions that are “set”. First base and catcher are going to be occupied by Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer, respectively. This would be fine, but they can only play if they pass Mr. Klein’s wood shop class. Combined, they aren’t as old as Terry Mulholland. Seriously, I’m older than Joe Mauer. And he is ready to be the future face of the Twins? I’m surprised he hasn’t asked to play in sweats.Mauer and Morneau have a lot on their shoulders. Mauer will be the face of the team for as long as Carl Pohlad will pay him, and Morneau is viewed as the next Tom Brunansky, someone to finally be a true slugger for the squad. It’s quite a load to bear for guys who get carded when they want to see an R movie.
The rest of the infield features the all-star cast of Jason Bartlett, Juan Castro, Michael Cuddyer, Eric Munson, Augie Ojeda, Nick Punto, Luis “yes, I DO think the eyeliner looks good on me” Rivas, and Terry Tiffee. I think they will draw straws to play second third and short fifteen minutes before lineups are due to the umpire. But at least they are young.
Cuddyer was highly touted for the past forever, and never really panned out as a superstar (duh) but I have faith in him to bat seventh and play third. Punto is scrappy. One of my favorite players on the Twins. Too bad he can’t hit thirty home runs and is build like an elf. Munson was rejected by the Tigers. The Tigers! Disgusting. Tiffee has a motor. All of them are excellent utility players, but not everyday players. But at least they are young.
As for Rivas, I don’t know what to think. If you asked me last year what infielder I would have preferred to keep, Corey Koskie, Cristian Guzman, Doug Mientkiewicz or Luis Rivas, I can guarantee that it wouldn’t have been Rivas. Needless to say, he’s still providing his .225 batting average and acceptable glove work He’s turning into Denny Hocking. The Twin with borderline major league talent who won’t go away. He’ll be sapping payroll until I’m in my thirties. .
Our catching is a flagrant attempt at respectability. Not only do we have the player drafted right before Mark Prior starting there, we have serviceable back up in Mike Redmond. Also listed as a catcher is Matt Lecroy, who plays like he’s playing slow pitch softball. All he does is hit homeruns or gets into an “easy out” situation. (Really, find game footage where he did something else). Potentially the back-up DH.
Outfield – The average age of the outfielders is something like 15 years older than the infielders. And even then, the outfielders are only 30. Mulholland brings the whole team average up to 37. But I digress. The fearsome foursome of Shannon Stewart, Jacque Jones, Torii “the Flower” Hunter, and Lew Ford provide a good core for the team. I expect them to field every ball hit, either in the air, or through the legs of Jason Bartlett.
The fact that Stewart is one of the most reliable veterans is a fact I find a skosh unsettling. He was the third best player on the Blue Jays before he was traded to the Twins, and now we are counting on him for everything. I don’t want that. I’m not sure anyone does.
Jacque Jones had a great hitting season the past year and the year before, but with all this trade talk, I can’t help but think he’s due to go Brady Anderson on us any game. Another funny thing about Jones: put a band-aid on his cheek and he’s Nelly. Look at the guy. They’re the same person!
Torii Hunter is very good at catching a baseball. I don’t know if you were aware. He has a role in a new commercial by Nike in which he plays a flower. Some day, however, someone will realize he is batting below .250 and that his good glove doesn’t mean he should be batting clean-up.
Lew Ford is an interesting fellow. Through anecdotal evidence, its quite apparent that the man is a dork. A dork making a lot of money. He could pay the dry cleaner instead of ironing the shirt on his back. But the truth is, he is a solid fielder, a good hitter, and a half wit. He will provide the Twins with a spark all year. I can’t ridicule him. Just read the newspaper, you’ll find something funny about him.
The rest of the outfielders, such as Michael Ryan or Michael Restovitch are solid back-ups and should fill in all right when one of the top four inevitably goes down. I’m not worried at all about the outfield. It feels nice saying that.
My Projected Lineup:
LF Stewart
RF Ford
C Mauer
1b Morneau
CF Hunter
DH Jones
3b Cuddyer
2b Rivas
SS Bartlett
There you have it. That took entirely too long too write. But don’t forget, I’m going to talk about the AL Central sometime in the future, when I get around to it. - Ryan
Labels: Is it Sports, Minnesota Twins
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