The Junk #4

Originally posted on "Is It Sports?" by Ryan. This time Ryan talks about the NHL and the Fall 2005 TV lineup.

I got just a few things to discuss this month, but really, they are going to take some time. Go grab yourself a pita and a Sobe and buckle up.

- First of all, let me mention a plan Steve and I have been kicking around almost all baseball season. When all is said and done, we wanted to evaluate our performance at the end of the year. We never really hammered out a scoring plan, but I invented one. The provisional plan is 1 point for every position in the standings away from where we predicted them, like, for example, I predicted the White Sox to finish fourth, they finished first; that’s three points for me. Subtract one point for every correct playoff team, two for every correct team in the two championship series, five points for every correct World Series team, and ten for correctly picking the World Champion. So if this were for money, Steve would be pulling for the Cardinals, I for the Yankees, and Kevin for a quick end.

- No hockey preview. I know you are all terribly disappointed, but the thing is, I have absolutely no idea what will happen. The game has changed, there are many new faces in new places, and the drop off for certain players, like, for example, Joe Sakic, is unknown. For the time being, let me say a few things. Jarome Iginla is overrated. Brad Richards, Vincent Lecavalier, and Martin St. Louis are underrated. If you want to pick a winner, pick a team with a lot of guys who have been in the league for about 5 years and played in Europe last winter (hint, Tampa Bay to repeat). If you have a team with a lot of guys from the same country, I think that’s a huge bonus, and if you have a bunch of stalwarts who decided against going overseas last year, your team is going to be in trouble (St. Louis (the Blues, not Martin) is going to be putrid). I’ll watch the first Wild game and give you the lowdown on what I think of the new game.

- Now, for the teeth of this post. I need to tell people what I think about the new TV season, and since nobody will listen, I’ll just write about it. My first topic is in regards to a show that has been on the air for a while, and I may have mentioned before, then I’ll get into some of the new shows.

I have to mention CSI: Miami first. I commented on how terrible David Caruso is as an actor, with his peer through the sunglasses and his over dramatic double pauses, like so. “I think it’s time… for a turkey sandwich… with a pickle.” Well, they only had one, and this was at the beginning of the season premiere. Good news, right? Well, yes, I guess. The writers are beginning to understand that Caruso would be the worst actor in a third grade play, so they keep him in scenes as a major character, but his scenes are beginning to involve less Caruso dialogue and more special effects shots, like slo-mo and from the ground up. While this does mute Caruso, it takes away from, you know, the plot.

Which is fine for the writers, because they apparently totally forgot the plotlines they left hanging at the end of last season. They had Emily Proctor written out of the show. Her character had removed her name from a list of employees at the lab after a traumatic event (a police officer blowing his brains out after she wouldn’t go out with him), but then, first CSI on screen? Oh, you better believe it was Callie Duquesne (Proctor). Then there is the whole, entirely new lab that doesn’t even look like it makes sense. A few of the characters, namely Caruso’s character’s sister-in-law took off for Brazil, not to come back for a couple weeks or so at the end of last season. Now, at no point was there any reference to construction in last season’s finale, but the lab is suddenly built, while the sister in law is still gone, and Duquesne is still is a CSI. Shwa?

The only thing that makes sense that I can think of, is that the lab was built elsewhere, so there was no influence to the previous episodes, then, the last episode of last season was when they were moving out. Sure, Duquesne had just seen the gruesome suicide of a friend, but she had the wherewithal to transfer her time thingy from one lab to another. Plausible, right?

The things that bother me.

Ok, now for a little run down on the new shows that I have seen.
“How I Met Your Mother” (CBS) – I don’t know how it happened, but CBS is turning into a dynamic, well rounded network. They have the CSIs for dramas, and those are killing. They have NCIS and some other crime dramas that people that aren’t me like. They have the best late show, with Letterman, and now, somehow, they are developing unassuming comedies that I enjoy watching. I think their secret is dredging old actors up, or at least guys people my age recognize and putting them in decent shows. First example, is Charlie Sheen who is in Two and a Half Men, which is pretty good, but I don’t like admitting I like, then there is Yes, Dear, which is terribly embarrassing to watch, but it has Mike O’Malley (remember Nickelodeon Guts?) and that guy from Boston Commons (a very underrated show from about 8 or 9 years ago). Now, the new show capitalized on this principle, and his success in Harold and Kumar, and added Doogie Hauser (Neil Patrick Harris, if you are into real names) as a bit player. Outstanding choice, very good show. However, it will be cancelled, because the name is too long. That’s how things go.
“Out of Practice” (CBS) – Just awful.
“My Name is Earl” (NBC) – Pretty funny, from what I’ve seen, but I have the nagging suspicion that this show is going down the crapper pretty quick. A general rule of thumb is that shows who have a quirky main character are going to get the hook sooner rather than later. Talented writers, but a doomed project, I think. I would be mildly disappointed, but not surprised to see the show cancelled.
“Criminal Minds” (CBS) – I like this show, despite myself. It seems a little too overhyped, but I can see why they would want to overdo the advertising. It isn’t exactly a dynamic premise (FBI profilers) but it does have superb acting and good writing. I don’t know who Mandy Patinkin is, but he just sounds like a guy who has been in every fair to good cancelled sow of the past seven years. As an added bonus, in the series premiere, the lanky kid from Road Trip played a serial killer. I like this show.
“E-Ring” (NBC) – I like this type of show, the political thriller. I like that it deals with real places instead of Kerplakistan or other stupid made up places. Let’s make the rest of the world smarter and use real countries, am I right? Well, I like it except for the dialogue. “I’m the National Security Advisor. It’s my job to worry about the security of the nation.” Stupid stuff like that. What is this, Schoolhouse Rock?

I’ve run out of things to say. I’m sure I will be a wealth of entertainment when I post that hockey thing, as well as the baseball pool thingy. I’m pretty sure Kevin will lose. - Ryan

The Junk #3

Originally posted on "Is It Sports?" by Ryan. You can again see Ryan's frustration with me for not posting stuff quickly in this post, which led to the creation of this site. Ryan talks about baseball and hockey suspensions, Star Wars, Drew Rosenhaus, and washed up 90s comedians.

Back once again for another edition of The Junk for August (even though it may not get posted until September).

- First, let’s talk about hockey. And baseball. Together. There is an uproar in both sports right now about relegated suspensions of a player. For hockey, Vancouver Canuck Todd Bertuzzi was allowed to return to the game after being suspended for what was effectively 20 games after his sucker punch to Colorado Av Steve Moore. Baseball is dealing with its own relegated suspension, that of Texas Ranger Kenny Rogers and his attack on not one, not two, but three cameramen. I am likewise outraged. But only by one of the two.

Now, Todd Bertuzzi’s attack was vicious, to be sure, but the truth is, enforcers do that type of thing, though not typically with the tragic results they had. Perhaps if I likened that to baseball the point would be made better. If Kenny Rogers had done the equivalent in a baseball game, i.e. protect his players, he would have thrown at a batter. Now, let’s say the throw was retaliatory and had caused massive injuries, as was the case with Bertuzzi. Kenny Rogers has just nailed someone in the face, and he is suspended for about 5 games. His intent was just the same, and a baseball to the face can end a career just as easily as what Bertuzzi did to Moore can end a hockey career. Therefore, a 20 game suspension was justified, almost a little overkill. But with the reputation hockey has, a lengthy suspension was absolutely necessary.

Now reverse that. Think of what would happen if you did what Kenny Rogers did. Let’s say that the delivery man who annoyed you was bringing some General Tso’s chicken to one of your coworkers. You walk past him, tell him to leave, but he can’t. He has to deliver Chinese food like the cameraman had to deliver the sports report. He doesn’t leave, so you knock the food out of his hands. He tries to pick it up, so you shove it in his face. You would get arrested, right? So then, on your way to the police station, you see a hot dog vendor, and you verbally abuse him where everyone can see you. Now tell me. Would you get fired? I think you would. Kenny Rogers, for doing what was essentially the same thing, was suspended for less than two weeks. Not only that, he missed only two starts. If there was anyone who should have had the lifetime suspension, it was Kenny Rogers.

The hardest part of this is that the commissioner could mandate Bertuzzi’s fair suspension. Shiam Das, an independent arbiter mandated the Rogers reduced suspension. Bud Selig, as much as I can’t stand him, shouldn’t have his power usurped like that.

- Stay with me here. This is for all you people who have seen the original Star Wars movie and at the same time, have listened to the Ying Yang Twins. Ok. There is a sound associated with both that is the exact same. When Luke Skywalker got attacked by the Sandpeople and Obi Wan Kenobi scares them off he makes a noise like some sort of dragon or something. Now, think of every single Ying Yang Twins song, for reference, how about The Whisper Song? Now, right before the chorus, they do that “WHOOOOO” thing that they do in every song they have ever made. It’s the SAME sound that Obi Wan made.

Ok, now I feel ridiculous.

- Why is Drew Rosenhaus famous? Well, clearly, he should be in the news what with his association with professional athletes, but seriously. Does he need to be on Letterman? Does he need to be interviewed repeatedly by ESPN? No. And for the record, Pat Riley wore the exact same haircut much better.

- I’m thrilled that the talentless comedians of the early nineties are beginning to fall either flat on their face or into roles that suit them better. David Spade has fallen into the roll of an annoying telemarketer, which is the perfect fit. Rob Schneider has another movie out. Nobody will think it’s funny, but it will be replayed on Spike or TBS at least three times a week. Then there is Pauley Shore. I guess he has some show on some obscure network. Nobody is going to watch it.

Actually, I just saw Shore on Letterman the other night (wow two mentions in one post) and he clearly realizes that in his previous life, he was annoying as hell. Kudos to him on self awareness and personal growth.

Still no sightings of Carrot Top, however.

- With the Twins season falling apart as rapidly as a West African democracy, I need to find other ways to spend my time. Madden ’06 is now in my possession. While there are thousands of other reviews out there for you to look into, let me tell you something. It’s the greatest 50 dollars I’ve ever spent. Ever. So I need to go now. - Ryan

The Junk #1

Originally posted on "Is It Sports?" by Ryan. After winning his own contest to name the random thought posts, he discusses the NHL, IRL, CSI, MLB, and all sorts of other acronyms

Alas, I have come up with my own name for my ranting, useless posts, calling them “The Junk” as we seem to refer to “the junk” more than is reasonable. Seeing as neither of us have done anything for the past three weeks, and there really isn’t a topic that needs a lot of time spent on it, I’ve decided to create the first installment of the “The Junk” (And yes, I did win the contest).

- I seriously believe that this is the year that the AL Central gets a Wild Card team, be it the Twins or the White Sox. It would be great if there could be another rivalry in the ALCS, this time with the most heated interdivisional rivalry nobody is aware of. I just want the Sox to berate the Twins by saying they just aren’t that good like they have been for the past few years. I’m sure every rivalry has some pretty ridiculous stuff said in it, but I just hear more from this one. And when you are on the winning end for three straight years, the talk always sounds a little more ridiculous.

- The NHL can learn a lot from the Indy 500. No, I’m not telling them to start putting smoking hot women in pads (although I wouldn’t mind body checking Danica Patrick, if you know what I mean), I’m saying when hockey eventually comes back, don’t tinker with the game, like many are planning to, advertise the drama of the game, promote the side stories. As a good friend of mine once said, “Hockey players are pretty.” There is no shame in bringing women to the game if it means better ratings and more money. Basically, advertise better.

On that same token, Indy Car has it’s fair share of problems as well. International, heated competition is the best in the world. I love the World Cup for this reason, and that’s why it gets better ratings than MLS. They need to reduce it back to one racing league and try to thrive on International ratings. Indianapolis has nothing going for it aside from the Indy 500, and it would be a shame to see it turn into a farce like the Stanley Cup has become.

To recap, The NHL and Indy Car need to get fans invested in the players/racers through aggressive marketing, they need to solve their problems which are fundamentally ridiculous since all they are doing is hurting their respective sports. Get fans to the game if you are hockey, and get more races on TV if you are Indy Car. Hockey games are more exciting than any other sporting contest anywhere, but only if you are sitting at the game. Following your team comes naturally after going to a couple games. As for open wheel racing, the races are tighter, the aerodynamics make strategy tantamount to success, and the best way to see that is on TV, not in the back page of the Sports section. Additionally, the advantage Indy Car has over NASCAR these days is that sponsors tend to last or a long time, lending itself to being easier to follow your favorite driver.

Most important, however, is let your history carry you. The Stanley Cup is a more historic, culturally significant trophy than the Lombardi in North America, and people cared about the Indianapolis 500 long before they did about the Daytona.

- Friends are sick of me telling them about www.bat-girl.com. It’s a Twins fan’s blog, but it’s so well written and funny that fans of any team can appreciate it.

- As a CSI fan, I must say that CBS has gone too far with LA, but I’ll get to that. The original is phenomenal because it has developed excellent characters, which liberates better plot lines and allows episodes to have high suspense even with less than shocking crimes. It feels the most like it could be a real Crime Scene Unit.

CSI Miami sucks. David Caruso is the worst actor to ever get a show into the third season, and no, I am not forgetting Tony Danza. This show tries entirely too hard to create drama without letting the show steer itself, like the original. They tried to sex this show up way too much, with David Caruso on the cast, no less, and eliminated the best members of the cast, like Tim Speedle early in the season. This show needs to be entirely reworked and David Caruso needs to get back to selling used cars.

CSI New York did itself a favor by hiring exemplary actors. Gary Sinise may be the best movie actor on television and it translates well. They don’t need to go out of their way to create stories, because crazy stuff happens in New York all the time. It’s believable and it follows the crime without having to force anything.

All this said, I have very low expectations of CSI LA. Aside from the every other spin-off sucks pattern, look at what makes Miami so terrible, a glitzy backdrop, working to make the crimes ostentatious (No, if anything gets nuked, it will not first be Miami) and bad actors. That defines Los Angeles. The edge, too that Las Vegas and New York have will be virtually nonexistent in the newest CSI manifestation. They should have stopped at the 3 and been happy with it.

- I’m not an NBA fan, but I do give it mad props, for without it, SportsCenter would be fifteen minutes and we would get more asinine college sports that nobody cares about like softball and baseball. Don’t get me wrong, I love baseball, but I don’t give a flying f*** about college baseball. I don’t even care about my own college’s team, let alone any in the country. Without the NHL, ESPN is turning into a sports wasteland. Wake up ESPN! Put pro sports on ESPN, like MLS or at least one MLB game a day. It isn’t hard.

- On the same token, where did Rachel Nichols come from? Has she always been there? Why is she in virtually every story they have on SportsCenter? For those of you who don’t know who I’m talking about, she’s the reporter who looks like she’s been carved out of white chocolate. And no, that does not mean I think she looks “sweet” or even that good looking. I’m not physically attracted to Hershey Hugs, and I can’t say that I am to Rachel Nichols either.

- Irrelevant to anyone else’s life, I have received some paperwork about a job on the local news in Columbia, SC. I don’t see myself lasting in a market where I would have to frequently refer to the Gamecocks.

- Interleague play is still a good idea. I think they have the best format, though they should do away with the rivalry thing. What they should do is what the NFL does, make the schedule performance based on the previous season. Have divisions compete against each other like they have on a rotating basis, but then instead of the rivalry, pit 1st place teams against 1st place teams. For example, instead of the Brewers twice, the Twins would play the Braves and the Cardinals. More difficult yes, but better baseball. For the record, and lack of anything better to do, here are all the match-ups instead of rivalry series for this year, focusing only on the AL, keeping in mind its AL Central vs. NL West, AL East vs. NL Central and AL West vs. NL East this year.
NYY – ATL, LAD
BOS – PHI, SF
BAL – FLA, SD
TB – NYM, COL
TOR – WAS, ARI
MIN – STL, ATL
CWS – PHI, HOU
CLE – FLA, CHC
DET – NYM, CIN
KC – WAS, PIT
LAA – LAD, STL
OAK – SF, HOU
TEX – SD, CHC
SEA – COL, CIN

I like the idea, personally. There are a lot of good matchups in there, especially given what Baltimore, Florida and San Diego have done this year. And Minnesota plays all three teams they have played in the world series this season under this format. And nobody would miss Milwaukee in interleague play. They would play a series against Arizona and Pittsburgh during the interim in this scenario.

-That’s it for now. Steve and I are trying to figure out ways to keep things up to date while I’m working with crappy dial-up. In the meantime, Spurs in 7, hopefully fewer. - Ryan

Title These Kind of Articles Contest

Originally posted on "Is It Sports?" by Ryan. These columns filled with random thoughts would eventually be called, "The Junk."

Star Tribune writer Sid Hartman’s column is basically a mishmash of stories in which he pretends to know everyone involved and mostly doesn’t tell you anything. The bad news is, I really don’t have an idea for an entire, lengthy post, and I didn’t feel up to writing about Day 7, so just like Sid, here comes a whole lot of garbled crap that’s on my mind. Seeing, also, that this is the second time I’ve done this, I should probably come up with a clever name for this type of column. I’ll probably use the first idea you guys give me.

- Some thoughts on the Twins and the A.L. Central up until now. The things the Twins are having problems with are things Ron Gardenhire tries to eliminate, like fielding. I can’t imagine we will have the problems we’ve been having so far with that. Michael Cuddyer still needs to transition to third, and Jason Bartlett is a rookie. Bartlett seems to have snapped out of it, and whatever Cuddyer’s problems are, if they persist, he can be replaced by Terry Tiffee who is only being held to the minors because Terry Ryan felt the need to keep a third catcher, Corky “Corky” Miller due to Joe Mauer’s shake knee. The biggest complaint now about Cuddyer is his rampant insistence on not hitting with runners in scoring position.

That was, also, a huge problem early in the season, particularly during the series in Chicago. We kept loading the bases with less than two outs and not scoring. We see, to have overcome that problem in no small part due to Justin Morneau, the best hitter in baseball that nobody has ever heard of, and the impending nightmare of the AL Central. What happens when the Twins start to hit the longball? During the anemic stretch, Morneau was on the DL with a concussion after being drilled by Ron Villone in the second game of the season. Since he has returned in late April, Morneau is hitting over .400 with a couple of homers. Add that to the fact that Jacque Jones is still batting above .350 and Lew Ford has started to come around, the Twins lineup seems to be in good shape, at least until you get to the 8 and 9 hitters (often Cuddyer and Luis “Mascara” Rivas).

The Twins pitching staff appears to be talented, if not solid. Santana and Radke are always reliable, except when they don’t get any run support, and Carlos Silva has been a gem, again, when he wasn’t on the disabled list. Joe Mays appears to be healthy after missing the past two seasons. Nobody expects him to return to all-star form, but it would be nice to se Joe return to serviceable 4th starter form. The fifth starter Kyle “I would be clubhouse poison too, if anyone paid attention to me” Lohse sports a silly goatee, a closet full of potential and a head full of problems. If he ever sees that potential, he will be like Jon Garland was in Chicago in April. We’ll all say “finally” and still pensively hold our breaths waiting for another breakdown.

As for the rest of the AL Central, particularly the White Sox, I can only base it on what I’ve seen. Every run the White Sox score is valid. Their lineup is stacked and well balanced, for the most part, and I think their pitchers can know they need to hold the opponent under four runs every night and stand a good chance of winning. The problem, then, with the White Sox isn’t their hitting. Mark Buehrle has always scared me. He will absolutely win his twenty this year. Freddy Garcia is a solid #2, and would be the ace in three rotations in his own division. Jose Contreras and Orlando Hernandez have been exceptionally fortunate. As I mentioned earlier, the Twins showed impeccable skill in not scoring with the bases drunk, but they didn’t get those bases loaded of their own prerogative. Contreras and Hernandez put those runners there due to a scary lack of control. Eventually, they are going to face teams that aren’t slumping or aren’t the Detroit Tigers, and then it’s all over for them. There is a reason neither is pitching in New York anymore. I mean come on, they kept Kevin Brown.

As for the rest of the league, I have a few words of advice. Don’t let Brian Roberts fool you, Baltimore. Don’t you remember the lessons you learned from Brady Anderson? And Philadelphia, don’t let Pat Burrell fool you either. Don’t you remember the lessons you learned from… Pat Burrell? And as for New York, this little April doldrums thing might not be a fluke. Ask the 2004 Mariners what the problem might be.

- So, on my NCAA March Madness game for Xbox, there is a feature in dynasty mode which can cause you to be forced to change conferences. As a result, after season one, I got a two messages. The first “The Big Ten has voted Purdue out of the conference” and “Welcome to Conference USA!” Apparently Cincinnati was a better fit for the Big Ten. But then that got me in a “what if?” situation. I realized it made great sense for both conferences, if you ignore the fact that C-USA is getting obliterated this season.

For Conference USA, you bring in a solid football team with a good fan base. The Boilers play Notre Dame every year, so that’s automatic publicity for the conference, and the other bonus would be a legitimate spoiler to Louisville or TCU or whatever hack team was trying to run the table. As for basketball, every legitimate conference should try for a school from either Indiana or North Carolina. Seriously, the Pac-10 should try to add Valparaiso sometime soon.

For the Big Ten, it makes sense mostly for basketball. Sure it’s a power basketball conference already, with schools like Illinois and Michigan State, but the problem is with the intensity. In the past decade or so, for various reasons, the Big Ten lost Gene Keady, Judd Heathcote, Bobby Knight, and Clem Haskins. Adding Bob Huggins to the mix would bring back a crazy-as-hell coach to a lifeless Tom Izzo conference and put a face, an angry, red, yelling face, to the competition. As for all other spots, who wouldn’t want an in-state rivalry between TOSU and Cincy?

- Other video game news, in one of the most ironic signings ever in a video game, the Detroit Pistons signed free agent Stephen Jackson on my copy of NBA Live.

- I am painfully excited by the prospects of this season in Minnesota. No more headcase wide receiver, but a questionable draft pick by Mikey Tice. The defense is dramatically improved, so no more cold sweats when the opposing quarterback sets up in the shotgun. One of two great things could happen this year. The Vikings could win the 12 games their talent suggest, or equally satisfying, Troy Williamson falls flat on his face and Tice gets ushered out by armed security guards

All right, I can’t think of anything else. I do, however, think the NHL strike will get resolved very soon. Cite me as a source if it happens. And I’m done – Ryan