Exploring New Corners of the English Language.

Before we get started. Justin Morneau won the AL MVP, which is all well and good, of course, however, I'm strained to the extent of my mental faculties as to why. There was another player out there who hit for better average, manufactured more runs, and was consistent for the balance of the season. Heck, they were part of the same lineup. My vote, if anyone, would have gone to Joe Mauer. Of course, they don't let people like me (caucasian males) vote for things like that. There was football to behold this weekend, so let's see what was beheld.

The Wade Wilson Watch intensifies, as the Vikings offense had another calamitous week. The Dolphins were held to a franchise low in rushing yardage at -3 yards. Lower than anything in the Dan Marino era when all they would do is pass. And Joey Harrington is no Dan Marino. (What? Understatement of the Year? Me? I just don't know who to thank! My mother and father, my grandparents, my brother, and of course, God, who's always by my side watching hockey games with me [cue music]). Yet, the Vikings somehow managed to lose. I can't wait until next weekend they face the Cardinals and some talented offensive players and a quarterback with real blood coursing through his veins. I really can't wait until the disparaged Denny Green wipes the floor with the purple at the dome. I mean, I'm really a marginal Vikings fan, but I'm not a sadist. In the end, it will be the best for everyone. Green, who had a very good .610 winning percentage with the Vikings, is continually bashed here, despite the talent infusion he brought with him on the offensive side of the ball. With a win next week, no doubt he still has a coaching future. And the Vikings will be able to be introspective, and say, "We suck. We should change something." But to say something less vitriolic, Jason Taylor is a phenomenal talent.

The only thing preventing another "Brett Favre should retire" rant from the guys on Around the Horn is the fact that Aaron Rodgers broke his foot. Now a gentleman by the name of Ingle Martin is the backup. Or Todd Bouman, former St. Cloud State alum, whom the pack just signed. Also, I refuse to say that the Patriots "recovered" in stomping the Packers, because the Pack is miserable, and for a good chunk of the game, they were led by Peg-Leg Rodgers. At no point, aside from a Lawrence Moroney run every now and then, did I think, "Wow, the Pats are intimidating." However, they will still make the playoffs because the rest of their division (save for Jason Taylor) stinks. And then everyone will pick them for the Super Bowl. Then they'll lose to the Broncos.

Speaking of losing in the playoffs, the Colts decided not to show up in Irving Sunday. I can't think of an uglier game this season. And I've seen the Browns play. Aaron Rodgers and his broken foot could have beat either of these teams. The principle difference between the two teams was that Dallas realized they were playing the Colts defense late in the game. The Colts never figured out that they still had the Colts offense, however. That's the problem with Peyton Manning. Once you get inside he oddly shaped head for a game, he isn't getting you out. He'll even take it home with him, and yell at his family for botching an omelette. Omelette. There's a word I didn't anticipate using when I started the blog.

I am absolutely in awe of Ladanian Tomlinson. Everything about him makes me weep with glee. He runs. He catches. He is, by all accounts, a good guy. He even wears that cool visor. Too bad I totally wrote off the Chargers for dumping Drew Brees for Phillip Rivers, whom I was not impressed with at NC State. But LT! Wow! He more than makes up for that move! I may have to go back to being a Chargers fan, especially if the Colts will continue to play with two hands around their neck. And the Broncos are clearly not as good as I thought they were. But they still have the Patriots to look forward to in the playoffs.

Jack Del Rio had the second best looking suit this week. I don't know if that's a compliment or not. Granted, he looked better than Manboobs Parcells, but still, he couldn't hold a candle to Mike Nolan. That man can wear a suit. The game was much less pleasing to the eye, with Eli Manning doing his best impression of Stevie Wonder, New York Giant. Seriously, does he know it's ok to throw it to his own team? It's actually better if the receivers are open when he throws to them. I'm flabbergasted that he is related to Peyton. But then, I hear them talk, and it all comes back to me. There is a town in Mississippi missing it's hayseeds. As for the Jags, well, they're just all over the map. The Kyle Lohse of professional football teams, if you will. I don't know what to think. But I do think David Garrard is better than I thought. That didn't make any sense. Look! I said Manboobs!

Well, that ended poorly. Have a happy Thanksgiving. Eat turkey. I'll be at the Vikings game on Sunday, so you may be getting a special post from Steve next Tuesday. Treat him kindly. -Ryan