Gilbert Arenas is Goin' Off the Rails on his Crazy Train. Also, Football.
Before I get into the NFL recap, I just wanted to mention two NBA stories that I should have discussed yesterday. Usually, I'm not a fan of the NBA (read, the NBA is an enemy of sport) but there are a couple of things that need to be mentioned. First, rapper Fabolous was shot, and one of the suspects is Boston Celtic Sebastian Telfair. I can't believe this isn't getting any attention from anyone! This is the perfect scenario for Law & Order to rip a story from the headlines! Of course, in the L&O, Fabolous would have fathered Telfair's child, instead of a member of his posse stealing his chain. Respect the bling.
The other NBA character I wanted to bring up was my new favorite Washington Wizard, Gilbert Arenas, who, according to his article in the most recent ESPN the Magazine, is certifiable. Among other things, his favorite movie is Bambi, he thinks marriage should be a five year commitment and lastly, and most impressively, he is thinning the air in his house to match that of Denver. It all makes total sense to me. All I hope is that Arenas is constantly in the news this season, and there is enough room in town for him and Coach Janky Spanky. If so, I may get interested in the NBA. But probably not.
OK, my producer is telling me to move it along. On to the football recap.
I... didn't do a good job with my football preview. I put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears (almost all when I got a paper cut). The Dolphins don't have a ground game, what with their lack of a passing game and one back who is used to platooning. They're defense is exhausted, what with always being the field, and they gave up points to Ahman Green, who is well past the day I expected he would blow a knee, and a quarterback who is the pitchman for Prilosec. I hesitate to call this Nick Saban or Daunte Culpepper's fault. Saban plays with the cards he's dealt, and when Joey Harrington is your trump card, you're bound to lose. Ricky Williams in Canada is just another kick in the teeth. And Culpepper, for those that don't remember, came out of the dumbed down Mike Tice offense and is coming off a knee injury, where "knee injury" is kind of what Tacoma could call a "bridge incident". These were all things I should have seen coming, but things are in place for the Dolphins to not suck next year. The Packers can look forward to being heartburn free.
By the way, the Steelers aren't making the playoffs. It's becoming pretty clear that the fates don't wan't Ben Roethlisberger to keep playing, let alone walk upright (I would have said God, but I'm pretty sure He's more interested in hockey). Ok, so they still were pretty ok on the road with Charlie Batch at the helm. Sure, they were fine on offense, however, Michael Vick threw four touchdowns against their defense. Vick is only supposed to surprise people with his quickness and agility, certainly not his passing game. So there is no excuse. For shame Pittsburgh defense. For shame.
The Vikings win was the worst possible thing to happen to them, for their longterm future anyways. Let's review. They toughed it out, winning on the road against a good team who was missing their running back and their quarterback for a half (they only really pulled away after Hasselbeck was out). Then Mewelde Moore threw a touchdown. Then Chester Taylor broke the longest run in Vikings history. The defense too, scored on it's own (Pat Williams!). All told, Brad Johnson threw for 171 yards and a TD. Tell me again, why is he so much better than Culpepper? Sure he doesn't throw as many INTs (because he doesn't really throw that far) but at least healthy Daunte gets the ball down the field. And you may argue that Brad Johnson "just wins ball games". It's because he's lucky! He plays with incredible defenses on the opposite side of the ball. Just look at his Super Bowl victory against the Raiders. Victoria resident Rich Gannon threw two touchdown passes for the Bucs, which is just as many as Johnson, who was ostensibly closer to his playing prime. Now, Johnson's arthritic hip will probably take him out for next season, leaving the team with Tavaris Jackson as the starter. No matter how good he does, it won't be good enough when he inevitably loses his first game. The dumb Minnesota sports reporters will pine for Brad Johnson, because when he was here, the Vikings had a series of fortuitous breaks that helped his team win, no thinks to Brad. Also, I suspect, Sid Hartman et al. feel a lot more comfortable talking to Johnson than a man named Tavaris. That said, Brad Johnson is a truly miserable quarterback, and unless he is removed from the starter spot, the Vikings won't recover for probably five years, and they assuredly won't do a thing in the playoffs.
Ah, the Cowboys. The wheels fell off there pretty quick, huh? I don't think the new QB is going to fair any better than the last one. They both have a knack for hitting the wide open free safety here and there. The AFC East is just as brutal as I thought it would be, although I got the two crappy teams right! Thank you Redskins and Cowboys!
- Ryan
The other NBA character I wanted to bring up was my new favorite Washington Wizard, Gilbert Arenas, who, according to his article in the most recent ESPN the Magazine, is certifiable. Among other things, his favorite movie is Bambi, he thinks marriage should be a five year commitment and lastly, and most impressively, he is thinning the air in his house to match that of Denver. It all makes total sense to me. All I hope is that Arenas is constantly in the news this season, and there is enough room in town for him and Coach Janky Spanky. If so, I may get interested in the NBA. But probably not.
OK, my producer is telling me to move it along. On to the football recap.
I... didn't do a good job with my football preview. I put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears (almost all when I got a paper cut). The Dolphins don't have a ground game, what with their lack of a passing game and one back who is used to platooning. They're defense is exhausted, what with always being the field, and they gave up points to Ahman Green, who is well past the day I expected he would blow a knee, and a quarterback who is the pitchman for Prilosec. I hesitate to call this Nick Saban or Daunte Culpepper's fault. Saban plays with the cards he's dealt, and when Joey Harrington is your trump card, you're bound to lose. Ricky Williams in Canada is just another kick in the teeth. And Culpepper, for those that don't remember, came out of the dumbed down Mike Tice offense and is coming off a knee injury, where "knee injury" is kind of what Tacoma could call a "bridge incident". These were all things I should have seen coming, but things are in place for the Dolphins to not suck next year. The Packers can look forward to being heartburn free.
By the way, the Steelers aren't making the playoffs. It's becoming pretty clear that the fates don't wan't Ben Roethlisberger to keep playing, let alone walk upright (I would have said God, but I'm pretty sure He's more interested in hockey). Ok, so they still were pretty ok on the road with Charlie Batch at the helm. Sure, they were fine on offense, however, Michael Vick threw four touchdowns against their defense. Vick is only supposed to surprise people with his quickness and agility, certainly not his passing game. So there is no excuse. For shame Pittsburgh defense. For shame.
The Vikings win was the worst possible thing to happen to them, for their longterm future anyways. Let's review. They toughed it out, winning on the road against a good team who was missing their running back and their quarterback for a half (they only really pulled away after Hasselbeck was out). Then Mewelde Moore threw a touchdown. Then Chester Taylor broke the longest run in Vikings history. The defense too, scored on it's own (Pat Williams!). All told, Brad Johnson threw for 171 yards and a TD. Tell me again, why is he so much better than Culpepper? Sure he doesn't throw as many INTs (because he doesn't really throw that far) but at least healthy Daunte gets the ball down the field. And you may argue that Brad Johnson "just wins ball games". It's because he's lucky! He plays with incredible defenses on the opposite side of the ball. Just look at his Super Bowl victory against the Raiders. Victoria resident Rich Gannon threw two touchdown passes for the Bucs, which is just as many as Johnson, who was ostensibly closer to his playing prime. Now, Johnson's arthritic hip will probably take him out for next season, leaving the team with Tavaris Jackson as the starter. No matter how good he does, it won't be good enough when he inevitably loses his first game. The dumb Minnesota sports reporters will pine for Brad Johnson, because when he was here, the Vikings had a series of fortuitous breaks that helped his team win, no thinks to Brad. Also, I suspect, Sid Hartman et al. feel a lot more comfortable talking to Johnson than a man named Tavaris. That said, Brad Johnson is a truly miserable quarterback, and unless he is removed from the starter spot, the Vikings won't recover for probably five years, and they assuredly won't do a thing in the playoffs.
Ah, the Cowboys. The wheels fell off there pretty quick, huh? I don't think the new QB is going to fair any better than the last one. They both have a knack for hitting the wide open free safety here and there. The AFC East is just as brutal as I thought it would be, although I got the two crappy teams right! Thank you Redskins and Cowboys!
- Ryan
posted by Ryan | 5:56 PM
2 Comments:
The "God love hockey" joke never grows old. Just sayin'.
Good, because it's about all I've got in the funny tank right now.
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