ESPN Summer Programming Preview

I'm back from Hawaii, very sunburned and, well, married. It's basically impossible to follow sports in Hawaii, since everything is over early in the afternoon and no one really seems to care (and why should they?), but I came back to learn that the White Sox have a 2.5 game lead on the AL Central....so maybe I should leave more often. But fear not, one day at beach, I found a crumpled up piece of paper with an ESPN letterhead that must have washed up there titled "Internal Memo: ESPN's Summer Programming Plans." When the NBA Finals come to an end, there really isn't much to talk about in sports aside from following the daily baseball grind until the NFL starts again, so understandably, there needs to be shows to fill all that dead air. Here's what the memo had to say:

ESPN Confidential: Summer Programming Plans

Women's Softball and Bowling Tonight
Hosted by Lisa Fernandez and Parker Bohn III, this nightly hour-long show will give all of the women's softball and bowling fans out there the highlights and coverage they need. Barry Melrose will serve as the field reporter for the show because we don't exactly remember what we hired him to cover. NOTE: extra security will be required to restrain Brian Kenny from running on the set to demand boxing be discussed.

The Tip of the Horn
The Sportscenter following PTI will be pushed back to bring you The Tip of the Horn. Much like Around the Horn, points will be awarded for conversation points, but not for making good points, but for talking the longest and loudest. There will be only 2 competitors each day, Stephen A. Smith and Dick Vitale....sitting face to face....in a room with only a bright red background. Whoever stops yelling first forfeits a point to the his opponent. Sportscenter can be aired on ESPN 2 on days where the 30 minutes are not enough.

The Rick Reilly Show
Rick Reilly works for the World Wide Leader now! Join Rick each week as he goes yachting with Tiger Woods, plays on exclusive club courses where the mere sight of you in the presence of the clubhouse would make the members vomit, and even makes visits to members of his biggest constituency of readers: Guys that are members of golf clubs that enjoy fine cigars and popped collars, don't spend much time with their family because they are busy golfing, and have a son that used to be captain of his high school's lacrosse team until he was stricken with a rare and debilitating genetic disease. Get the tissues ready!

Everybody Loves Joba
Stop the Presses! The New York Yankees, only 6 games out of first behind the Tampa Bay Rays, are beginning the slow process of converting middle reliever Joba Chamberlain to a starter! The daily 15-20 minutes allotted to this on Sportscenter just aren't enough, so we're bringing you an hour long show each day with all of the Joba you need. Sure, there's a slim chance he'll be out of baseball in 2 years, but this conversion from reliever to starter has probably never been done before and we can witness the birth of the greatest pitching career of our lifetimes before our eyes.

ABC's Wide World of Sports Presents the National "Hockey" League
ABC has long been known for bringing you the widest variety of sports from across the globe from cliff diving to the World's Strongest Man competitions. Now, ABC continues that tradition by bringing you games of a bizarre sport known as "hockey" or more formally, "ice hockey." In this curiosity of a sport, men from Canada and cold regions of Europe skate on a sheet of ice that is indoors, carrying wooden sticks, and try to shoot a rubber disk into a net, similar to soccer in many ways. Despite the players origins in cold regions, the "NHL" features teams located in cities such as Miami, Nashville, Tampa Bay, Phoenix, Dallas, Anaheim, and Raleigh, NC. Note: Games will be shown on taped delay from the previous season no earlier than 1 AM.