Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Denver Post columnist hurts my feelings.

I like Minnesota quite a bit, born and raised here, started a blog dedicated to the sports in town. I love the Wild. I take losses personally (which is why I'm writing this in another room instead of watching the travesty that is game 4), and my mood is pretty much affected by the play I see on ice. With all that in mind, Mark Kiszla's travesty of journalistic integrity article from this morning's Denver Post really stuck in my craw. Let's review the article, FJM style.

Ugly Betty hockey in Colorado's future

Everyone, of course, knows that America Ferrera loves more than a good, physical neutral zone trap. (The Wild don't trap anymore, anyways)

Let the mugging begin.

It's the only way the Minnesota Wild can win.

Also, the Wild like to win by scoring more goals than the other team. They do that regularly.

When playing this goon-it- up Wild bunch, hockey is a no-holds- barred battle of attrition, not skill.

Marian Gaborik and Brian Rolston both used their attrition to score over thirty goals this season. Oh, and Pierre-Marc Bouchard used every single hold available on his way to registering 50 helpers. Goons.

The only good thing that can be said about Minnesota's 3-2 overtime victory against Colorado was the game lasted so deep into the night that it ended past the bedtime of most kids who could be frightened by the way the Wild mauls all the beauty from the sport.

Nothing a kid hates more than body checks or fights. Although they could be a little spooked by Stephane Veilleux's beard.

Minnesota, the land of 10,000 dead car batteries,

Oh snap. Did he seriously just call Minnesota.... cold?

has an inferiority about this hockey team.

Minnesota has an inferiority. Did you catch that? The Denver Post no longer uses complete phrases or nouns anymore. Jim Armstrong and Woody Paige are featured columnists, so I guess that should have been my first indication.

The Wild's style of play is as ugly and obnoxious as the uniforms,

If you're talking about those all red unis, I'm totally with you on that. They are ugly. Also, if you missed Brian Rolston's goal from Game 3, I would equate that with the beauty of the Wild's 2003 uniforms. Which he didn't like either. Take this quote from a 2003 article.

Minnesota, whose red-and-green uniforms must have been inspired by those gauche folks who leave up their Christmas lights all year, ranks No. 1 in the NHL in only one department. This has to be the worst dressed team in hockey.

Interesting. Tough sartorial talk from a guy who covers a team that wears poop brown.

This hard truth makes the Wild faithful grumpier than they are after waking up to yet another subzero morning.

Yeah. It's cold in Minnesota. You got us again.

When Avs forward Peter Forsberg turns his back, even for a second, he will get jumped and roughed up, in true back-alley fashion, by some Minnesota mugger.

Well, first off, Forsberg would never get mugged in Minnesota. It's too cold to lay in wait for someone who will dive three times before he even gets to your back alley. And second, if Forsberg turns his back, he'd probably just hit the ice on his own anyways.

did you miss the assault on Forsberg during the second period by Wild defenseman Sean Hill, who owns the dubious distinction of being the first NHL player suspended from the league for steroids?

You mean the one where Forsberg grabbed Hill and brought him to the ice in the loving embrace? I saw it. Also, Hill earned his suspension when he was with the Islanders. Those goons.

[Aaron] Voros felt it necessary to tackle Theodore in the most crass act of Game 3.

Oh..... In Denver, "tackle" means "get pushed into" and "in the most crass act of Game 3" he meant to not write anything.

That the Avalanche put 46 shots on goal ultimately made no difference, because the Wild put more hard hits on Colorado.

Why even bother with a goalie, when the Wild can hit so hard all 46 shots miss the net?

The dark hockey arts are practiced by every member of the Wild. Even a player as remarkably talented as Minnesota center Mikko Koivu is not adverse to hacking and tripping when Colorado's Ryan Smyth is carrying the puck on goal.
[Emphasis mine]

Remarkably talented apparently does not mean "skilled". Because the Wild don't have any. But darn that Koivu for playing defense! What a ruffian!

Anywhere the Wild goes, flowers wilt, the sky turns gray and beauty dies.

This must be why Pavol Demitra is no longer allowed at the Minnesota Landscape Arboretum.

When scores are certain to be scarce and the mugging is beyond the control of any referee, what's the lone goal for the Avs now?

Be the last men standing, and live to play something that resembles beautiful hockey another day.

Beautiful hockey like the beautiful game, requires a diving European.

After that blistering attack on my team and my state, I can only stand back in stunned silence, wondering what a dramedy on ABC has to do with anything. Fortunately, Paul Walsh of the Star Tribune sent many droves of Minnesotans to the article to tell Kiszla where to stick it. Me? I'm just so, so very hurt

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Blogger beth said...

He said Minnesota is cold during hockey season? I wish I could live in a tropical state like Colorado!

8:01 AM  

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